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24 Apr 2006

I need serious help....is there a thing called marriage protocol
I've moved to the states with my family 1.5 years now.
The problem is now, I'm going home for a visit this coming Sept with my son and my husband expects me to go to his house (my in-laws house).
I don't understand since I feel it's up to me to choose which house I wanna go to, my parents or his. After all it's just a visit.
He says that's how marriage works he says thats the marriage protocol. Since I'm his wife and I'm going to SA I should be based at his parents, why can't I be based at my parents house??.
The problem is our family leaves in the same area. Like 5 mins drive from each other.
You know sometimes I really don't understand this african-marriage thing. Somehow I feel the african-marriage thing it's very oppressing to women.
I feel that being married should not restrict me in certain things. Like this visit, I'm the one whose visiting therefore I feel I should be able to choose where and what I would do when in SA.
Firstly it will be very uncomfortable for me to stay at his house and my husband knows that. I don't know any woman who's comfortable the most at their in-laws that at their homes.

Pls advise what should I do, is there the right way? what about how I feel??

Thank you all in advance for responding.
Answer 530 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello Zanzi,
I'm sure our other readers ill have many useful comments to make here. Sounds like there's a clash here of diferent attitudes to marriage, to relationships, and to diferent cultural traditions. I don't claim to be an expert on African marriage traditions, but it does seem to me at times that some men these days use African traditions like a buffet, selecting those aspects that suit them, and this may include some which are significantly restrictive of a woman's rights and privileges, and ignoring others, which include a man's duties. I agree with Me, here --- if you ndiscuss it with him calmly, can he not understand your viewpoint, and can't there be a compromise, with some time spent staying with each family ?
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