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06 Mar 2003

In love with a "gay guy"
I'm so sick and tired of feeling the way I do.....sometimes I feel like taking my life. I worked with this guy and he always treated me soo special. And then the big shock his gay I thought that my life has ended and didn't know how to get rid of the love that I felt for him and started treating him very badly. He then resigned and moved out of town for 2years and I convinced myself that I am over the "foolish love" for him. I was so happy that I never told a anybody about it (and laugh at).
Only to see him after 2years for 5minutes to have all that feelings returned.....I can't stop wishing that he was "straight" - What do I do...I'm so scared that he might see through me and I'll be the laughing - stock. Please any advise at how I rid myself of this feelings.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear DA,
Hold on there. Why on earth did you ever decide to give ANYBODY else, gay, straight or Iraqi, the power to make you feel dramatically that your life has ended if they turn out not to be marriage material for you ? Just re-read your own message. Here was a nice guy who treated you very well indeed --- is he to be blamed for that ? You decided, presumably without consulting him, that he was destined to be the great love of your life --- that's not his fault, either. Then you decided that he was gay. ( Did he tell you this himself ? Did you decide this on your own ? ) --- why should he be blamed for this, anymore than you could be blamed for being straight ? He didn't, surely, suddenly decide to be gay, just to frustrate your plans ?
You then decided, on your own, that this had to be a huge catastrophe, rather than a disappointment. And instead of deciding that you were lucky to have a pleasant gay friend who treated you well and made you feel good ( and this was an option you ignored ) ; you decided instead to treat him cruelly. Was it your cruelty that made the poor guy feel he had to resign, and move away for two years ?
Now the chap returns to town, and you're still steaming away and brooding about this --- and still reluctant to let him be the man he is. Apparently, to suit your preferences, he ought to change his sexual orientation ? And what else ? Should he become a bit taller ? Change his hobbies and hairstyle ?
Isn't the better option, by far, that you should grow up a bit more ? People are what and who they are, and so long as they don't hurt others, they are free to be who they choose ; and they are certainly free to have the sexual orientation they were born with, without being treated badly for that reason.
In two whole years, you never managed to form an attachment to, or an intres in, anyone else ? Why the focus on this unfortunate man ? Leave him alone to get on with his own life, and seek counselling to sort out your own apparently confused yearnings.
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