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18 Feb 2009

Is this best?
Hi Cs

I have a bit of a long stroy so I hope you will bear with me.

Ok, so I am 30 and my girlfriend 29. We have been togehter for almost two years now and have been living together for a year. Our relationship is solid. We have the more difficult stuff, like the stuff that truly forms the foundations for a logn lasting and sustainable relationship sorted. I can say confidently that we communicate really well, we are open and honest with each other, we love each other deeply, we have overcome many challenges together, we have a great friendship and mutual respect for each other and we truly appreciate each other' s differences.

We have however, throughout our relationship had one probelm. It' s the thing that normally comes easily in a relationship, lust. I lust after her and am hugely passionate about her and she claims to feel the same about me but she never feels like making love. When she does it' s only because a million conditions have been met and I have initiated it. I have spoken at length to her about it and we have explored her past which we believe has had a major impact on her sexual confidence. Anyway, with patience and understanding and effort things started gettign better but sadly now have taken a complete aboput turn and gone for the worst. She has absolutely zero libido and it' s causing problems in our relationship. She recognizes this and admits to it being a problem with her. She ahs admitted that the problem is she is feeling completely flat about everything and has no enthusiasm or passion for most things in her life. She feels like she ahs lost her identity and this has had a deep psychological effect on her. anyway, I have suggested couples councelling, individual counceeling and even a visit to a sexual specialist but to no avail as she is coy and finds asking for help very difficult. Nonetheless eventually last week she began seeing a psychologist. This is good and I am very pleased. She ahs also communicated to me that part of her feeling that she has lost her identity is that we are living in my parent' s place at the moemnt as I won a place that is currently being rented out so we can' t live there, and she has cats and the place won' t allow cats. Also she can' t afford much rent at the moment and thus lviing at may parent' s has provided her with rent free living. She hasn' t got her cats and she has none of her stuff around her and so she feels like she has none of her personal pace or stuff and thus has lost her identity. I try to be as understanding as possible. I listen, I love, I care, I support, I do grocery shopping, I pay for 95% of all our expenses, I cook and clean etc. I am super affectionate and truly can say I have tried everything and with all my heart committed.

Anyway, now she feels that perhaps she needs to move out for a while in order to have her things and her cats etc around her. To have her space and work with the psychologhist and rediscover her personal identity in order to find her passion and lust for us and save our relationship. She says it hurts her to see how much I am trying and how much I am suppressing my needs and getting angrier by the day. She fears if we continue on the path we are on our relationship will fail. I agree and respect her for her honesty. I am however, so worried. I feel like we have so much going but yet somehow I have no idea how to get her pasison back. I don' t know what more to do. She says it is simply an idea and perhaps the only way to gt herself back. She is committed and doing it for the good fo our relationship. She does not want to lose me and is doing this with the aim of saving our relationship, not to casue us to drift apart. I believe her and feel like perhaps this si the solution but it hurts. It also really scares me. What do you think CS?

Thank you
Answer 419 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Ooosh, yes, a long one.
There are many possible reasons for a loving person to have very low libido, including Depression and the impact on their self-image ( and their assumptions about sex ) of past experiences. Good that she is now seeing a psychologist, and I hope she ios being truly frank with him / her. She sounds immature if she can't manage normal intimacy for lack of her cats or her own home. You sound like the sort of partner most women dream of.
Personal identity must be found within oneself, and not based on things and possessions. One doesn't "find oneself" out there, like Tasmania, but within.
Couples counselling, as well as her individual work with her shrink, may stll be a good idea, not to glue this relationship back together, but to help both of you understand better what is happening between you, and to be better capable of building and maintaining relationships.
Sympathy makes some very good points
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