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08 Feb 2003

Just need to know if this is normal
Hello there

I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 years and both of us are 23 years old.

Although he has been the most faithful and loving person that I could ever wish for, he has one from the internet.

I don't actually care what he does when I am not there but the thing is that I have caught him on 2 separate occasions looking at his "collection" on the PC and masturbating (he thought that I was no where near him). I confronted him and had a big fight about it because it makes me feel like i am not worth the trouble and he'd rather prefer looking at something fake etc. For some odd reasons, he always has a look when we have a fight...what is up with that!

I am fine with the porn thing as I guess it is a normal "guy" thing to do but as long as he keeps the folders hidden away so that I don't find them and that he doesn't do it when i am there.

Am i in the wrong for being so uptight about it? Just in case you were wondering, our sex life is great but it is just that sometimes it hurts for me so we have to take it easy etc.

I really don't know if i am blowing this whole porn thing out of proportion but it really bugs me and it feels like he would rather look at that than me! Am I wrong?

Ag please can someone please sort this very muddled person out!!!!!

Answer 381 views

01 Jan 0001

A man once said that most men who look at porno magazines or watch a movie every now and then do so because it's like a little slice of something they cannot have. He drew a parallel between men looking at porn and men looking longingly at exotic or top-of-the-line cars and trucks. "You know you can't have it, but you still like looking and fantasizing about it."

Another aspect of some men's interest in pornography stems from childhood, looking at girlie magazines is something boys are usually forbidden to do from the get-go by their parents, teachers, and society in general. "Men like to push the envelope,". "We looked at these things before we knew we had penises, but knew well enough we weren't supposed to be looking." That's where it starts for a lot of men, and they never seem to outgrow it.

Then, of course, there's the sexual arousal aspect of pornography. A lot of men (and women) are turned on by looking at nude pictures and sexually explicit movies. This doesn't mean that's the only thing that turns them on, and it may not even be in the same way that they are aroused by their partners. It's just one facet of a person's sexuality, as are fetishes and other fantasies. Perhaps you could think about exploring your own fantasy world (if you haven't already). A good place to start might be with Nancy Friday's book, My Secret Garden.

Many men don't realise that their partners would be offended and hurt by their actions. Yet, many women, like yourself, wonder what the attraction is. The answer lies somewhere in the middle, your partners's curiosity is probably just that, a curiosity , and not a reflection on how he feels about you. Your feelings are certainly valid and need to be respected. On the other hand, his feelings deserve respect, too. Maybe there's some way you could incorporate this pornography thing into your relationship; of course, only if that is something that you'd like to try.

It's good that you've told your partner how you feel. Have you asked him how he feels? Alice thinks you're on the right track by voicing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. The next step may be to explore this realm of his, and your, sexuality .

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