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11 Mar 2004

Lack of emotional fulfillment
Hi Doc. I've been married for 2 years now to a woman from a previously abusive relationship ("date-rape", beating, emotional breakdown, forced upon sexual acts of all nature etc) which lasted 6 months before she left it after she caught him in bed with her friend. We've sorted out most of her problems, guilt etc, she even enjoys sex from time to time, though never initiates it. However, in helping her become a person again I've neglected myself, and have recently realized that she does not fulfill my needs emotionally or spiritually. I cannot speak to her about the meaning of life, the deep understanding I need from her is not there. How do I teach her to help me fulfill this need? i know for sure that I do fulfill her needs in this way, and every other, without boasting. I'm sure I have no need to tell you of the effects of being her "saviour" in a sense. She has no need of friends outside our relationship, but I have a hunger for that emotional connection. I have found a friend with whom I have that connection, some who understands me the way I understand my wife, but have broken all communication with her as the danger of an "emotional affair" is not a risk I can take. So how do I teach her to fill that gap for me? Am I being arrogant? Please help me, I have a lot of patience but find myself short of motivation lately due to the above. Much appreciated.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Frustrated,
it can happen that while playing the role of "saviour" you can nable someone like her to become too dependent on you, and too isolated from other people who could bneficially form a part of her life.
I don't want to sound like a broken record ( gee, in the days of DVD's, wonder what the modern equivalent of that may be ? ) but this is the sort of situation made for marriage counselling, to enhance each of your abilities to udnerstand each other, to identify and explore what can be resiolved between you, and to recognize if there are significant issues you can't resolve, and thence to make wiser decisions about that.
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