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29 Mar 2007

Life . . .
For the past few weeks I've become more and more lonely, I really feel extremely depressed. I sit on this site all the time just to have some interaction with other people. I have no (real) friends, and don't particularly care for the family living around here, not that they bother too much either. Sometimes, I find myself slipping into a strange dreamstate where I'm awake and doing something (like arts & crafts) but then I 'wake up' and sort of realise that I worked but don't recall much. In this state I relive things that happened in the past, conversations I had, places I've been, stuff like that. I like that state, it's like escaping from this loneliness inside. However, on Teusday, I saw myself being approached by my maid and her sister with long knifes in their hands and coming obviously to kill me. The fear I felt is unlike anything I ever experienced. Must by awefull going that way. Can't describe it. And now I'm thinking of just taking my car and drive till the tanks' empty and killing myself wherever I stop. I know you'll say I can change things, and that tomorrow'll be better, but I can't. My life is at a dead end, time to get off the bus and take myself forth to the final destination. Nobody cares. Nobody have to. Everyone has their own lifes and their own problems. They don't make theirs mine . . . I just don't see myself ever being happy again. Things won't ever get better. Hell can't be worse than this. . .
Answer 559 views

01 Jan 0001

YOu're very welcome here, R.Z., but you deserve more, too. Sounds like you've been dissociating a little, which isn't unusual or abnormal, and happens when we are strongly concentrated on something like a craft project --- and also leaves us more open to reminiscing about the past. Do NOT allow yourself to think about killing or harming yourself, however.
Yes, of course I will say that you CAN change things --- because that is true. What is NOT true is when you say that you can't --- maybe you don't see how to, maybe you don't have confidence in your ability to change things for the better, but there can be no possible doubt that it is possible. You are showing a very typical pattern of habitually negative thinking, which can become a difficult self-constructed trap to get out of.
DO call Lifeline as soon as possible and start talking with helpful people. And do arrange ( maybe the Depression / Anxiety group, number on this page, can help you to find a good local CBT counsellor, as this sounds like a mode of treatment that would be ideal for you. You seem so soaked in negativity that you're not giving yourself a proper chance to succed, as you so richly deserve to do.
And as Ness says, others will love you WHEN YOU love you --- your negative and hopeless attitude towards yourself is what may be making that mkore difficult to achieve right now.
Keep in contact and let us all know about your progress --- which WILL occur if you get proper help and allow yourself to progress.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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