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08 Jan 2013

Married with Asperger Syndrome
Hi

I''m 32 and my husband 35 - both of us are very independent individuals. We got married 18 months ago. Before then we had a long distance relationship and saw each other every 2nd weekend. Before we got married we knew each other for about 14 months.

When I met my husband and we started dating, I realised that he was different from the rest - eccentric I thought -, he is very religious and he also indicated that there shall be no sex before marriage. It was fine with me. I couldn''t believe that there were still men out there with such strong beliefs. I was very impressed.

We eventually moved in together about 6 months after we got married - due to the long distance and employment issues that had to be sorted out. I relocated to his town and ended my career, got rid of all my furniture etc to move in with him.

Okay: 12 months later - I feel I want to run and never return. I''m lonely, I''m empty, I''m depressed, I feel inadequate, I don''t feel wanted or needed. I hate myself. WHY?

On our first wedding night, we didn''t have sex (okay, we were tired, so nothing happened), on our second wedding night we didn''t have sex, on our third wedding night we''ve tried, but he climaxed before we had intercourse... and 18 months later... we have sex once or twice a month for 2 minutes... my husband climaxes within 2 minutes! There is never foreplay or hardly ever intercourse. Why? He doesn''t understand it and he''s never tried it. I''ve tried to show him, but the impression I got is that he''s not into foreplay - he''s uncomfortable about it. Whenever I try to talk about this issue, he keeps quiet.

I don''t believe I''m unattractive. I take care of myself, I gym, I eat healthy and I am spontaneous. However, I''ve lost my identity. I hate myself and now feel that I''d be better off dead. Whilst we were still engaged: whenever we used to go out (to the shops, to restaurants etc.) my husband would physically stop and stare at younger girls (about 16, 18, 20). In the beginning I always laughed it off and cracked a joke with him about it, but after we got married and I realised that the intimicy wasn''t " normal"  and what I expected, I started to feel self-conscious. I changed my hair colour, changed my wardrobe, changed my behaviour and today I can''t do this anymore. I feel like I''ve been put in a cage and I don''t know what is right and wrong anymore. I don''t want to go out to places. Whenever we''re invited to a function, I dread going out. I used to be a socialite and loved being between people.

My husband is exceptionally clever and is a specialist in his field. He is very sensitive and he has a good heart. He has a lot of patience. If I like something, he''ll buy it. I wouldn''t ask for it - it will just end up being delivered by a courier. His social skills are extremely strange. He''d fall asleep in a conversation if he''s not interested. When we''re in a conversation with other people, he''d keep whispering in my ears to talk about a subject that is not relevant to the conversation we''re in then (he''d for example whisper: tell your sister about the issue with the electrician). It is so frustrating for me. He can''t have " normal"  conversation with people. His conversations go about ideas of making the fool of other people (eg. imagine the person doing this to that person and what would happen... hahahaha). Further to this, he can''t tell stories during a conversation, he only ask questions about politics, maths, physics etc. His toilet manners are strange - he would hardly use toilet paper after number 2 and wouldn''t care if he smells a bit. He''s not worried about brushing teeth properly or checking his hair in the morning before he leaves for work. If something''s on his mind, he''d keep repeating it - non-stop. He''d keep talking about it until I can''t take it anymore.

Further to this - he keeps calling me during the day, all the time (about 10 - 15 times a day) whilst he''s at work. I feel smothered. When we''re at home together he''d follow me everywhere I go. When I''m in the kitchen, he''s in the kitchen... when I''m in the bathroom, he''d lie on the bed waiting until I''m done, when I''m in the garage, he''d wait for me at the door. He always follows me and looks like he wants to catch/hug me the whole time with both his arms wide open whilst he follows me. I CAN''T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I''ve nicely told him to stop doing it, but he doesn''t take note. He''d stop for a while and start doing it all over again.

My mother-in-law told me a while ago about my husband''s childhood and what a " special"  child he was. Then she mentioned something about OT. I didn''t quite get that and started to do research. I came across the symptoms of the Asperger Syndrome and I realised that those symptoms are very similar to my husband''s behaviour.

I don''t know what to do. I''m emotionally drained and I can''t live like this anymore. I feel like I''m caged in. He doesn''t enjoy any of my hobbies which has resulted in my not doing anything that I enjoy but we everything that he likes.

Please can you help with advice?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It does sound as though your husband has a considerable number of problems in addition to general eccentricity and a naive ignorance about sex and sexuality, and apparently an unwillingness to learn.
Trying to change yourself isn't the answer - you're not the problem. His marked difficulties in normal conversation with others, and bad hygiene, suggest more serious problems, and Aspergers or any of a number of alternatives sound very possible.
It might become necessary to reconsider the wisdom of remaining in the marriage. But is he possibly amenable to being persuaded to see a psychiatrist or psychologist ( who would need to be fully informed by you, perhaps in a letter if not in person, about all of your observations of his oddities ) for assessment and a discussion of whether treatment of any kind might help him to be happ[er and to be able to make you happier ?
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