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26 Mar 2003

mother to children attitude
I need help desperate please doc, I am going crazy and do know how to cope with the situation anymore. I want to be as brief as possible, but wish to tell you that I have a very good relationship with anyone (I'm a respectable business woman in the sales world, have steph grand children and my own two who loves me very much, as well as other teen-agers who accepts me the wy I am)

The problem is with my husbands three children - they just wont accept me, are spitefull and blatandly ignore me on my husbands instructions. He told them to ignore me when I speak my my mind about there lazyness and ignorant behaviour.
-They would never phone him whilst with their mom, only when they need money.
-They gather with my ex-daughter in-law and plan against me regarding my grandchildren and help her to keep my grand kids away from me. (the past four years) The ex-daughter inlaw made them up against me, and were this fun-person in their life (I was the working stephmother who had to expect diciplin and respect from them, so that made me the bad person)
-They do not speak a word in the my presence, walk by me with the stuck-up attitude and spend most of the time in the bedroom.
-My husband is a very good man, and I know that he loves me as much as I love him, but when it comes to his children, he turns a blind eye and deaf ear. I feel that he loses it completely, by not letting them respect his wife (not as a mother because their mom is still alive.

I do not know how to handle the situation any more, she is visiting for the holidays and I have another week of this to face.
This is going to affect the rest of my liefe, because I am starting to hate them for what they are doing to my whole family.

We are running a business together and to divorce would be out of the question (to much involved), and is the last thing I wish to do, - his children stays his children agres 18, 21 & 22) how can we solve this mess?

When the kids are not around, he treats me like a lady and respect me and we have a good relationship untill.......

Please tell me what I should do, (it feel as if a crime is done against me, but I cannot take them to court for that)

thank you

propanet@lantic.net


Answer 288 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Stepmother,
The main issue here seems to be your husband's behaviour not really that of the kids. If he is encouraging them to ignore you and what you say, that's treason, within a marriage. It's like having two Managers of a business, following contrary policies, and one is encouraging the staf to ignore the views of the other --- such a business goes bankrupt, pretty soon. He needs to understand that blind love for his kids is not good for them, and is encouraging them to become far less than they might be, as they learn to be rude and inconsiderate, such habits will not remain limited to you. Indeed, in time, they could apply the same tactics to him, himself.
And at 18, and especially 21 and 22, it's about time that his kids left the nest and stopped sponging on their father. For how many decades do they plan to stay at home ?
Maybe some of what is needed is what must surely be needed within the business. For instance, not leaving wet towels draped round the house shouldn't be Your rule, which they can enjoy breaking, but a rule set by you and him, with him being in charge of administering the rules you jointly agree. And in the meantime, if they drop wet towels round the house, why not leave these towels exactly where they are. Eventually, they'll run out of towels, or trip over them. Maybe it's because it so obviously annoys you, that they enjoy dropping them ?
What you need, surely, is for you and he to establish some form of joint management of the family ? And if he actally does love you, this shouldn't be a problem for him. mabe some mariage counselling would help a lot --- but again, his active and sincere cooperation would be essential.
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