Ask an expert
Question

02 Dec 2004

mourn'ng
real crazy question here, and yes for a change it is a "kop probleem". as some of you know my mother passed away today 2 weeks ago. it all happend very sudenly, was expecting my father to pass on before her, but ja.

now here is the question, i get very very sad when i go to my dad and mom's place and see all her stuff and the kitchen and and you know, like you go to your folks house and expect to see them both, but only one of them. last night i spoke to my dad on the phone and when i said goodbye i nearly said "en stuur groete vir ma".

here is my question, i still have to remind myself that my mother is gone, i get sad when i go to their house, but apart from that i have not realy broken down yet, i have mourned my mother as yet, i have to tell myself all the time she is gone.

a friend mentioned that i'm a very hard person cause he would have cracked up by now. but i dont know, maybe i'm in denial ...or will it hit me real hard later...
Answer 426 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Gosh, blackbird, that is so darn normal ! Painful, sad, yes, but wholly normal. Sometimes it even goes further than that --- one may walk into the kitchen, and see her sitting at the table as usual, and then think --- "But no, she can't be there ; she died. " and the vision fades. That's close to, but not a hallucination. Or one hears the familiar voice calling, and so on. Actually, a degree of denial, of not fully realizing it ( interesting word that, because when we "realize" it fully, in a way we allow it to become more "real" We vary as to how long it takes, and by exactly what route, for it to become something one fully recognizes, realizes, and then, more slowly, accepts. Whenever there was a real and deep attachment, to anyone, revising one's head so as to adjust to the absence of that person, is hard work. Thus we speak of "grief work". Mourning will come. And of course, part of the "stuur groete" response is habit, and part a lack, so far, of full realization of the fact of the loss.
I agree with Mona, you're not hard, but strong. The difference is significant. And sometimes, without even fully recognizing it, strong people postpone their own grieving, when they have other people to support and help. Let yourself do what your own heart needs, and let the chin-up down when it suits you, as well.
Boys who are not actually tough, but pretending, are scared that anyone might see them cry. REAL tough guys do cry, when there's a good reason.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
33% - 9320 votes
No
67% - 18606 votes
Vote