Gosh, blackbird, that is so darn normal ! Painful, sad, yes, but wholly normal. Sometimes it even goes further than that --- one may walk into the kitchen, and see her sitting at the table as usual, and then think --- "But no, she can't be there ; she died. " and the vision fades. That's close to, but not a hallucination. Or one hears the familiar voice calling, and so on. Actually, a degree of denial, of not fully realizing it ( interesting word that, because when we "realize" it fully, in a way we allow it to become more "real" We vary as to how long it takes, and by exactly what route, for it to become something one fully recognizes, realizes, and then, more slowly, accepts. Whenever there was a real and deep attachment, to anyone, revising one's head so as to adjust to the absence of that person, is hard work. Thus we speak of "grief work". Mourning will come. And of course, part of the "stuur groete" response is habit, and part a lack, so far, of full realization of the fact of the loss.
I agree with Mona, you're not hard, but strong. The difference is significant. And sometimes, without even fully recognizing it, strong people postpone their own grieving, when they have other people to support and help. Let yourself do what your own heart needs, and let the chin-up down when it suits you, as well.
Boys who are not actually tough, but pretending, are scared that anyone might see them cry. REAL tough guys do cry, when there's a good reason.