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24 Nov 2005

My partner and I have been together for the last 14 months ... we've successfully handles plenty of tough issues and I am very happy to stay in this blossoming relationship.
The issue here:my partner has been offered a promotion (albeit unconfirmed at this stage) in another city - this is an excellent oppertunity for him as I know that he feels that he's reached a ceiling in his present position and oppertunities like this have got be grabbed! I have also recently taken up a new postion in a company where I am very happy to stay -- there is plenty of oppertunity for me to grow where I am - and I am not happy to pack up and leave ,find a new job .etc .etc. My initial response to the news was excitement and the oppertunity of spreading our wings together and discovering new things about myself and our relationship really appealed to me. Sadly my feelings have changed--I realise that my excitement was for my partner and not really for me! I do not want to move not want to lose him not want to have a long distance relationship! I know that I cannot have it all ! The difficult thing for me right now is telling him how I feel .. what's important for me right now .. I love him so much ..I feel selfish but also know that I am being true to myself ..I have been down that road of over compromising myself and will not go there again . I realise only the two of us can decide what we want for ourselves and our relationship but some opinions would be valued.
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Torn, your name seems appropriate to your current ambivalent feelings.

The choice you're confronted with is complex - having to choose between a functional and loving relationship and your own sense of self and what's right for you is very difficult. You sound very insightful and I compliment you on tackling this head-on. The most important thing is that you remain totally true to yourself - if you're not you'll be sabotaging both yourself and your relationship.

However, it is possible that this need not be an all-or-nothing decision. There are several options you could consider - he may not enjoy the new city or the new job and may be back within a few months anyway. You don't say what cities are involved but you could plan to commute as often as possible in order to spend as much time together as possible.

Being true to yourself is not being selfish.

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