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01 Aug 2006

Need to know
Hi CS,

My husband had an affair. This was over a month ago almost 2 months. Eventhough I have tried to forgive, I still thinnk about it often. I still feel very hurt, it is so bad that I cannot concentrate at work. I cant speak to anyone about it or get advice from anyone, for a long time after it happend i never spoke to my husband about the affair becuase we were trying to put it behind us, but about 2 weeks ago, I could not keep the hurt inside any longer. I still have so many unanswered questions about it like "Why did he hurt me this way?" I need to know if it is okay to ask him these questions i have, i am so afraid and insecure, it is affecting my concentration levels at work and for studying. If i speak about it, and ask him question about the affair, will this do damage to our relationship we are trying to rebuild and set it back? Please help me, I feel so hurt and cannot cry any longer, I have this knot in my chest when i am reminded by it.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

As I often say in this forum, I think the modern invention of some imagined duty on people who have been hurt and harmed by others, to "forgive" the perpetrators, without any corresponding assumption of a duty to apologise, genuinely regret, show remorse, and attempt restitution, on the part of the perpetrators, is naive, cruel and immoral. Forgiving in the sense of freeing yourself from continuing bonds of bitterness towards the perp is one thing ; forgiving in the sense of ennabling them to repeat the offense, is not.
And though I understand what you were trying to do, trying to ignore such a hurtful betrayal without talking it through, doesn't work, and does NOT "put it behind" you. Unanswered questions echo, Of course it is OK to ask him --- indeede, though, why not insist that he join you in marriage counselling sessions, within which you can ask such questions and get proper answers to them ? You cannot rebuild a relationship based on unanswered questions and lingering sorrow.
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