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05 Aug 2011

new stepmom
Hi Prof S

Ive (29) been in a relationship for the last year with a really great man. He was previously divorced (2 years, married for 7) and has a (now) 3 year old son.

The little one lost his mom in a car accident last year. We moved in together to create a better future for him. And we are very happy for most days.

We sit down as much as possible to discuss issues like dissipline, tasks that needs to be done, who is responsible for what and just making dubble sure the other party is happy.

the only problem being that it feels like the little one is " testing"  me the last couple of days :) Not greeting me, ignoring me, and I get the overall feeling that he just doesnt want me around. My partner being VERY patient, just pushes it aside for being "  3yr old behaviour" . And me being me ( and maybe the way I was brought up), feels that he needs to be dissiplined just a bit to see that throwing a tantrum when I walk into the room is not necessary. (even when he falls and I try to console him) But I dont want him to hate me when he''s older.

It sometimes feels that I have to walk on egg shells just because he lost his mom. I''ve accepted him as my own and so has my family. But I dont want him growing up latched to his dad, hating me and feels that he was brought up any different than future siblings. What good advice can you give so that I feel a bit more loved by a 3 year old :)

Many Thanx
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Ech, little ones test parents, bioparents or de facto parents. And in an important sense, they're really testing themselves, and the boundaries of their own powers.
And sometimes a kid is paticularly wrapped up in himself, some days, rather than actually ignoring you ; sufficiently used to you to be able to take you for granted ; though this can feel like rejection, especially if one is in a situation in which you happen to expect rejection.
Notice that in your question you seek to "feel loved" by him, rather than to "BE loved" by him. So, accurately, its more of an issue of your feelings than his feelings.
I agree with Maria about avoiding over-indulging a child because you feel sorry for their plight, as over-indulgence may in reality be more of a damaging plight than a bereavement too young to fully recognize or utterly feel it.
I don't see why he would hate you at any time.
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