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29 Jan 2003

Nie meer lus vir seks
Ek wonder of iemand my asseblief kan se ek is 33 jaar oud en het drie kinders en my man het so 18 maande terug 'n beroerte gehad en hy is 34 jaar oud. Ons huwerlik was nog vandie begin nie maan skyn en rose nie maar ons het ons gelukkig tye gehad. Na my eerste kind het ek net nie meer lus gehad vir seks nie as ek dit een keer in maand doen is dit reg. Ek en man baklei altyd oor seks hoekom want hy wil ten minste 4 keer 'n week seks he al is dit ook orale seks. Vandat hy siek geword het is dit nou erger nou werk hy nie meer nie ek is die enigste een wat werk ek het baie ingewikkelde werk en werk 9 ure per dag, dan kom ek by die huis die kinders moet versorg word en ek moet nog self al die ander take doen. Ek is te moeg aan seks te dink in die aand as ons gaan slaap ek wil net in die bed klim en slaap en soek dan geen gevroetel daai tyd van die aand nie.

Ek soek hulp want ek wil weet wat ek doen om weer my lus vir seks terug tekry.
Answer 3,803 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear Nella
You and your husband need to open up your lines of communication to include more than just " I want it " and " I don't". There may be other problems in your relationship that are just being played out in terms of your sexual relations. Sex doesn't take place in a vacuum, we take struggles about other things, power, money, mutuality, time, attention, competition, etc. into bed with us. Knowing that can often help you be more objective, and decide whether this is purely a sexual problem or whether other parts of your life are coming into play when you go to bed.

It is not unusual for a man to want to have sex more than a woman might in any given relationship. There is a myth that this is based on a stronger sex drive in men. In reality, what may be at issue is the fact that men are raised with fewer ways of expressing their emotions. So, sex ( intercourse and orgasm) is one of the few permissible ways for a man to be close to someone, the only acceptable place for men's tender, loving feelings. It may be this limitation, rather than an innate, irrepressible sex drive, that prompts men to initiate sex so often and leads to the false notion that women are less sexual than men.

You should try to initiate closeness and conversation with your husband at a time when the tension levels are not high around the issue of frequency of sex (i.e. when you're in bed and he wants to have sex and you're tired). In terms of exactly what to say, remember that sexuality ebbs and flows in stages, and now that you're both so busy, this may be low tide. You can try to find alternatives to frequent intercourse: maybe massages twice a week will do the trick; or having sex more on the weekends; or you might encourage him to masturbate with you watching, thereby giving him his sexual release and giving you a passive part in lovemaking; or try just discussing that this is a high intensity time for you in your life and for now you'd rather hold him and have him hold you, with the knowledge that in the future your driving, wild sexuality will return to your relationship.

You need to make it clear that you are not rejecting him, or your lovemaking, but that this is just a stage. And that the longer you stay together, the more you'll be aware of your sexual peak times and be able to use them to your advantage (i.e. during the holiday season, making no plans and staying in bed for the whole day). Show him that you're open to suggestions and compromise so that you can both get what you want. Be creative, you can get through this period. And if there are underlying problems aside from frequency of sex, you should try to communicate about them too, and think about couples counseling if things get too crazy. Good luck!

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