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27 Feb 2003

Not good enough for hubby
I feel that I'm not the right woman for my husband. I wrote here a while back saying that he complained about my weight (He said I had gained
too much weight. I went through the whole cycle of trying to do it for him - why should I, and drop the whole thing-. At the beginning of this year I decided to loose weight
for myself and my health. I have los some weight (5kg). I get very depressed about my weight sometimes even though I know that I am loosing it. I look in the mirror and I don't like what
I see, I actually wonder where the 5kg that I'velost came from because I'm still big. In my family most people are big (AND HEALTHY) so I think I'd have to work pretty hard to maintain a certain weight.
I don't mind this if I'm maintaining the weight that I feel I look good at (which I think he'll be fine with) but the fact that HE has feelings about my weight bothers me.

Sometimes I feel that even the with the weight issue aside I'm just not good enough for him. I can easily be classified as what they call 'rough around the edges' in movies - no make up, simple hair styles
no nail polish, most of the time no earings etc. that's who I am and I couldn't keep p with the fuss of being anything else. Sometimes I feel he'd be happier if I did all these things.

Right now I feel completely unloved.
Answer 435 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Terrible,
It sounds like there are control issues here, as well as matters of self-image and self-esteem. When he suggesed that you should lose weight, you resisted, and didn't want to do it for him. But later, wisely, you decided for yourself, that it would benefit your health, appearance, and general good feelings, to lose weight to a realistic degree, and now you're working on it.
( By the way, remember that part of the annoying things about weight is that, just as when you gain weight, it rarely goes where you might want it to go, so, when you lose it, at least at first it tends to go from wherever is easiest to lose, and only later tends to redistribute itself in ways that look better. Losing the excess is still useful ).
And I wonder whether also, with regard to the "rough and ready" self-image. Would you really not like to look better, for your own sake, and that of others who know and like you ? Would you feel unhappy wearing some makeup, taking more care of your hair, etc. ? or do you have such a low opinion of your own appearance, that it seems pointless to you to bother about it ? Or is there an element of the weight issue --- that you don't want to do it because he wants it ?
It's worthwhile to avoid being unwisely controlled by others. But we mustn;t allow ourselves to get trappd in a situation where we refuse to do something pleasant, that would benefit us, simply because someone else is suggesting that we should
If he actually didn't love you at all, he wouldn't care about your appearance at all. After all, Sri Lanka is full of people about whose appearance you don't care at all. Maybe there's more of a question about whether you love yourself enough, to accept and encourage the love of others, and attend to your health and appearance ?
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