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04 Jul 2011

Overweight spouse
I''ve been married for longer than 12 years. When I met my husband he was a sportsman and very neat on himself, something which to me is a must for any man/person. Amongst a whole bunch of other problems one of them is the fact that he is now overweight......I resent this and hate myself for it!!! The ONE thing I always try to teach my 2 kids is not to be judgemental but now I do exactly that. I am no model but I exercise regularly and take very good care of myself. I expect him to do the same, especially if he wants to get into bed with me every night. Is there a humain way of telling him how I feel?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Firstly, try not to be so judgemental - you seem to have an attitude to bodily shape one could call Shapism, and it's akin to racism or sexism. Not all shapeless or less shapely people are bad ! Did you marry him solely because of his appearance ?
Then you mention "a whole bunch of other problems" which apparently exist between you two, but its only on the exercise, superficial appearance issue that you concentrate. Isn't this perhaps to some extent a way of avoiding more important issues between you ? Maybe you prefer to focus on it because unlike some of the other areas which need to be dealt with, in this one you're clearly doing fine, and its him who has been sliding back a bit ?
Some of the responses are equally prejudiced. Woman, for instance immediately assumes that he "eats like a pig" and he "looks disgusting". Hmmm.
I agree with Jane et al. Remember those vows about "for better, for poorer... in sickness and in health" ? If your love is conditional on a spouse maintaining a specific weight or shape, then it isn't love at all.
Marriage counselling would be a really, really good idea.
And in addition, talk calmly and pleasantly with him, about the "good old days" when he was active in sports, and how you admired his physique back them ( by the way, its very common for sportsmen AND SPORTSWOMEN (!) to gain a lot of weight when they stop performing, because they are used to a diet that works fine when they are highly active, and tend to maintain their eating habits when they switch to more sedantary jobs and pastimes. Most people, fortunately, can't spend their lives playing games, and need to get to work, much of which involves sitting rather than chasing balls around.
Talk with him about how you see it can be hard to maintain a healthy weight, and offer to help - to share a better diet together ( does he really eat a totally different diet to yours ? ) and share an exercise program.
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