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19 Jul 2011

Pathological liar?
Dear CS.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who has desperately wanted us to get married and/or have a child, for his inability to manage his finances. He wants a second chance and says he can fix that, but that wasn''t the only reason I broke it off. He''s a liar, at least that''s what I think. There are usually inconsistencies when he tells me something a few times. For instance, he''s given me 3 reasons on 3 different occasions as to why he broke up with the mother of his children. And initially he said he only has 1 child (I''m a lot of things, but forgetful is one thing I''m NOT), then later said there are 2 children, he asked me what reason would he have to lie to me?!? So now all of a sudden it was my responsibility to prove why he WOULD lie to me. Anyway, I know nothing about him except what he tells me (more than half of which I can''t believe because of his lying nature) and he''s from another country so I have zero ways of verifying anything about him.
My question is, I can point out every single thing that I believe he has lied about, but chances are zero that he''ll admit to lying at all and I''m ashamed of him thinking I''m too untrusting, paranoid and suspicious of him (he seems so sincere and convincing but when I''m alone I''m usually able to put everything together and pick up the inconsistencies). Should I confront him about the lies? How do I even go about it? Do I ask him for proof proving all these things? I think I''ve been so sucked into his lying ways that now I''m even doubting my own judgement that he''s a liar. What do I do?
Answer 408 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Everybody lies, under specific circumstances. A Pathological liar lies even when he doesn't need to, when there's no possible benefit, and even when he's bound to be found out and lose by it.
If he already has children, why is he so desperate to have more children, with you ?
You wisely identify some of the reasons to worry about him - you know nothing except what he has told you, and as he is from another country, you can't check up on this.
Don't expect a liar to admit it. Don't waste your energy argiung about his lies.
Frequent liars can be extremely skilful and convincing - sometimes they start by believing their own lies, so they can signal "truth" to you even when lying.
Why get into these arguments and worries ? He is surely not the only man you will ever meet - why not just calmly leave him and move on, to someone who seems more truthful, and is easier to check on ?
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