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30 Jun 2011

Please advise
I''d prefer under the circumstances if only CS would reply.
Recently turned 40 never married no children woman. He is 13 years my senior, divorced with a daughter. No problems with that nor any issues either.
Been together for the past 5 years. I love him but am not in love with him. What attracts me to him is his intellectuallism. Realistically speaking we are chalk and cheese. I am very sporty and slender - he thrives on reading newspapers and watching international news and is overweight and has been for the majority of his adulthood. I also enjoy being informed and am in no means a ''jock''. I love learning. We have a non-existant love life including being intimate. Don''t think we have made love this year. His sleeping habits include gross snoring - after enduring that for two to three hours ( am very holy on my sleep) he wanders off to the spare bedroom to reside on the spare bed for the night. This is occuring 4 out of 7 nights per week. We moved in a year ago and seem to be struggling financially even though he is an advocate. We literally dont know whether we will have a home next month. From a career point of view, I might have prospectives if I were to go it alone - if nothing materialises for him next month, we are out of a home. After being on Cilift for 4 years, I decided to go cold turkey 2.5 weeks ago. Its been hard and I have had my share of symptoms and side effects. Strangely enough, I now feel stronger and more in tune with myself. He is starting to crumble with all the financial pressure, cursing God every day (which I detest) and saying " I get knocked down each and every day by your God" . What must I do? I am not prepared to abandon him in this very trying time. Yet I know I need to move on. Could you advise me on how to help him (he, a 54 year old man was in tears this morning). I guess the fact that we are suffering financially is adding to his fears of paying fin part for his only daughters wedding in three months time is not helping either. I want out, but I cannot abandon him at this time. I need more...
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

So this is a relationship of some shared interests, not about sex ; And apparently based on affection rather than love.
About the snoring, a couple of thoughts. Most snorers do this mainly when they lie on their back, and sewing something like a cotton reel in the back of his pyjama top or Tshirt, so it mildly hurts whenever he rolls onto his back, can often do the trick. If the snoring is very loud, and presumably you listen to this, are there periods when it suddenly goes silent and he may not be breathing for short periods ? If so, this could be a sleep apnoea problem, and need specialist assessment.
Every advocate I have known earns a lot of money, so Maria's points make good sense, to review with him how he can be short of cash. Are there work problems so he is actually earning very little ? Or is he spending unwisely on unnecessary things - it can be drink, drugs ( both of which can contribute to heavy snoring in sleep ) ; or gambling, or whatever ? To get the point of risking losing one's home, is very highly unusual for an advocate. If there is a shortage of work at the higher level ( and I know this can be so, as fewer and fewer people can afford to hire an advocate ) is there other legal work he could so, as well ? Is he, perhaps depressed, and this could be not only making him obviously miserable, but reducing his ability to work efficiently ?
A rank and detailed discusion of all such actors is needed ; maybe with the help of an experienced counsellor, to make such discussions productive ?
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