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31 Mar 2003

Please help - don't know what to think
Doc, my fiance are going through a very rough time, he has lots of financial stress, he has to look after 3 children, support them, and don't always have the funds to do so, he just moved out of his house, because he couldn't pay the rent, and we found another place where he is going to move into. We also had our differences and had a big fight on Saturday night. He left my house and went to sleep in the old place, I went after him and we started talking he also cried, I have never seen him cry before, and then something happened, he took a afternoon nap, woke up and started playing with me, I kept on telling him that he was hurting me, because he was playing a bit rough, he freaked out and grab me by the face and pushed me away, and also said really nasty things to me. I am confused, this never happened before, but I am not sure if his reaction was due to stress and if this is the real person I am experiencing, I am getting married to him in a few months, and don't know what to make of this. Please help, I don't want to be stuck in a marriage with a man who is going to batter me physically and emotionally, or on the other hand I don't want to make an decision to leave him, if this is not the real him.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Just me,
From outside, we can't really tell you what to do in a situation like this, though getting married within a few months, to a man who you don't understand, who might be abusive or at least unpredictable and unreliable about potentially hurting you, and who had major committments financially and otheerwise, which he is not handling, sounds like a really bad idea.
Wouldn't it be wise to postpone plans for a wedding until things get clearer ? In a calm time, try talking to him about what happened in this odd incident when he was so nasty to you --- tell him you found it frightening and disturbing, and ask him to help you understand what it was all about. Some men find it awfully difficult o deal with their own emotions, and can feel awful if they have been seen crying. But if there seems to be a potential for physical and emotional abuse, never get married to a potential abuser.
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