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21 Jan 2009

PLEASE HELP ME
Dear Dr
I have been married for 4 years its not been easy I have 2 nine month old babies and this is my reason for asking help
My husband has been married before when we dated he could and used to see his child from his ex but she would alwasys tell me stroies about him that him like when he is visitng the child he would sleep there and he wants her back I became very insecure but said nothing we got married and she stopped him from seeing the child 2 years into ou marriage he started seeing the child again on her terms meaning alone at her house many nights i worried and lived in fear and mistrust then all of a sudden it stopped she did not want him near the child again
I had my twins , HE wanted the child with me but when the twins were about 2 months he wanted to leave them for no reason we fought allot and he said he wants out of the marriage because the stress is to much, I told him if he leaves he will not see them beucuase I feel he is childish when i had the twins i have to see to them alone whlile he comes home late from work drunk does not care if we are ok and if i have help coping with both of them
whenever I dont wnat to give in to something he wants then he wants to leave
he does not care about the twins lives its jsut him
what do i do
now all of a sudden he misses his other child and wants to see her again
he was the one that steps in and out of the child life when he wants to

so I have decided that if he wants to leave me then i will not let him see the twins becuase of his history with wanting to be a fahter if and wheh it suits him I dont want that unstableness for my kids they better off not knowing

if i think nicely does he even care about them because how can you want to leve a child at 2 months old
he never cared if i am coping and if they are getting the attention they derserve the love nad support they need
it seems to be my children alone however infront of people he pretends to be the best father ever when that is not the case
please advise me what to do I want a good home for my childten
i am not concerned about my self

he also takes drugs and always wants to go out with the twins to his friend home where they sit and do drugs i end up sitting with both kids whilst he enjoys sniffing coke
what kind of an example is this to the kids i know they only 9 months but I think its wrong
please help me move forward in my life with my children
Answer 321 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Obviously, it was not wise for you to have had realistic doubts, but to have married him without revealing and discussing these with him. Its good for a father to wan to see his child --- but there's no reason why this should involve over-night stays with the child's mother, when the man is married to someone else.
It sounds odd that she has several times refused to allow him to see the child, and then changed her mind again --- what's this about ? Are thy both using the poor child to manipulate each other, and as an excuse, rather than genuinely caring about the child's needs, which is all that is actually important. Its hard to see his inconsistent behaviour and only occasional interest in the kids, as genuien or good for them.
And the final straw is --- if he is a drunkard or alcoholic who is exposing the kids to his dryg use, he is not a fit father. Period. Indeed, by enabling him to do this, even your own mothering skills will be called into question.
See a personal counsellor to work out what will be best for the kids and yourself, and maybe then a lawyer to work out the best way to achieve this
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