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23 Jun 2011

Re: Difficult situation with brother
Thank you so much for your reply.

I don''t know how much the doctors discussed with my parents. My parents are very close-minded people and very ashamed of abnormal things happening in the family because they live in a small village, so they could easily be hiding everything from the rest of us. They used to go visit my brother everyday at the clinic and one day my dad saw a doctor asking a 7-year-old to pretend he was a dog. This offended my dad extremely, especially because the doctor kept calling the boy my brother''s name. My dad immediately assumed they were mocking my brother and considered taking him from the clinic.

The same way that I am embarrassed with theses things like rubbing hands and don''t do it in front of other people, I assume my brother is too, and maybe his doctors don''t know about these things he does. I asked my dad if he told the doctors the last time my brother had an appointment (he has regular appointments with the doctors) and he said he was too embarrassed to say my brother is behaving like that.

I''ve never noticed anything in my dad or mom. They both appear very normal to our neighbours and everyone who doesn''t know them very well. My teachers used to adore him. But at home he is controlling and a very cynical person. He was very aggressive towards me and my sibblings who are 25 and 23 too, especially my 25-year-old brother, who my dad never found to be manly enough because he was bullied at school and needed help defending himself. But luckily there was a big gap between us 3 and our 17 and 14 year old brothers for my dad to realize hitting wasn''t the best, so he never hit those two. But he still criticizes a lot and accuses everybody of things he assumes are true. For example, growing up, he kept asking me if I was pregnant or still a virgin, even though I''m not the kind of person to sleep around or act irresponsibly. It''s possible his criticism is enough to frustrate my youngest brother too. He can be very harsh, even when he pretends to be nice. My mom once told me " He says he likes you but he calls you a b*tch when you are not around" . That''s the kind of thing my dad does. He''s also the kind of man who would say " come here, won''t do anything, I just want to know the truth"  and then grabs you and hits you until you pee your pants. He likes hitting too but feels guilty after.

My mom, on the contrary, is usually honest and is not afraid to say everything to our faces if she needs to. She also loves us very much, but she''s a bit out of control as a person. She can start screaming and say she''s going to kill herself when my dad and her have a fight. Plus she has a lot of difficulty expressing her feelings in words or through touch. She never hugged us. Instead, she will make our favorite food to show she cares. There''s many cases of mental illness in her family and I think she was affected too in that she always feels low about herself, doesn''t speak her love towards us and gets very psychotic at times. But she hits people differently from my dad. She only hits once lightly after warning us many times and she doesn''t enjoy it or regret it after, she always forgets about it quickly.

She once said if my dad wasn''t around, she would allow us to play with other children and we''d all go on walks and fun trips on the weekends. But with my dad around, she feels she has no power. He even criticizes her when she comes home late from her errands.

So you see why it''s so hard to deal with this. My parents aren''t very cooperative and even if the doctors suggest something, they might not listen. I think it would help if I could talk to my brother directly, but the problem is how to approach the situation.

I''m happy that I''m finally far from my dad. It''s much easier to live happily without him around. But sadly my brothers will still have to wait a few years to do the same. My mom is always telling me I should go back because she misses me, so her influence might also keep them around longer. She''s too scared to be alone and doesn''t see or care that my dad is a source of unhappiness to us all and we only want to be far away.

It''s all so complicated.

Answer 329 views

01 Jan 0001

I understand. I think in situations like this the doctors should realize they have a greater responsibility to discuss things not only with the parents, but with brothers and sisters who are more educated and sophisticated and better able to understand and help the situation.
Its unfortunate if your parents feel embarrassed or ashamed, and they need to know that this is an illness which is not their fault nor your brothers. And sadly, you are describing a seriously abusive father, abusive towards his children, physically and psychologically, and maybe also towards his wife.
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