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14 Dec 2004

Re: love life after having a baby
thanks for the kind words, i intend to make use of them

my pregnancy was unplanned, but my baby should come first. remember that babies do not ask to be conceived, so we have to give them the best care available.

the babys father keeps on repeating the same mistakes over and over again. this has to do with his finances. he does not pay his bills properly and keeps taking more loans that he cant afford. furniture stores, clothing storres and microlenders were always send him summons and now hes blacklisted.

2 years ago he resigned to start his own business but its not doing will because of he only gives me R100 everymonth. however, i am grateful because im working and my small salary is helping me alot.

he lost his job because of mismanagement of funds. and now he runs his small business. i asked him to apply for jobs, several times, but he refused and says is not interested.

each year, i would forgive him and he also promised that he will improve his finances. but he does it again.

we dont stay together, he lives with his parents and i live in a flat with the baby. he visits us every 2nd week. we share the same postal box. on the 23 november 2004 i found a his letter on the post box and i immediately called him. he responded and asked me to read the letter to him over the fone. i could not believe it...... it was a letter from land bank notifying him that he was handed to lawyers for not paying his loan of R1000 and it stated that he must contact the lawyer before 6 dec 04 to make arrangements or otherwise he will be blacklisted.

i advised him to contact them and gave him money to call them. he came to see us yesterday and i asked him for the feedback on contacting the lawyer. he said he forgot about it, can u believe this...i was very disappointed.

he told me that he loves me and the baby and wants to spend his life with us. i was willing to marry him for the babys sake. even if it means i will be paying for all the expenses. but now im not sure anymore.

last year i paid his loan of R4500 and i was sure that there will be no more money problems.

yesterday, we sat down and talked for a long time and i begged him that we should go for relationship counselling. he refused and says he does not have a problem. for how long should i put up with this behavior?

the new guy that i met is truely something, hes financially stable, mature, great personality and spiritually mature. im really impressed, but i dont want to rush into anytthing with him.

i sometimes feel sad and empty inside. please advise



Answer 314 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It does sound as if this guy really canot manage finances, so he's highly unlikely to ever succeed at running his own business. It's so important for us to be able to recognize our limitations and plan round them --- he might be fine working in someone else's company in which he did not handle finances ( and if he had someone reliable to help to run his private finances, so he'd stop buying what he can't afford. Not learning from one's mistakes, and repeatedly making the same mistakes, is a sign of a real lack of wisdom.
I don't see how it would be wise, for you, him, or the baby, to marry him, before he finishes growing up, and that could take years. However often you pay off his debts and loans, he only goes out and creates new debts and borrows more money. It might be a good thing for him to be blacklisted and lose all credit. Then he will have to work harder, and SAVE money, and only buy what he can already afford.
If in the situation you describe, he really deludes himself into thinking that he doesn';t have a problem, then he has a really large and serious problem, and one which it is impossible for anyone to help him with, until he recognizes his problems and that he needs help.
Of course it's sad when you see someone yo0u care about continuing to act so foolishly and self-destructively, but he has to solve all that on his own, you can't do it for him.
Take it calmly with the new guy, but he sounds far more like the sort of many you deserve, doesn't he ?
have a great Christmas, anyway !

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