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20 Feb 2009

Relationships: How do I handle this new
How do I handle this new situation. We have a couple (great friends), she has come to stay with us for this week. Her partner is very insecure (like I am) and she is like my partner (normal-not giving any signs of being horrible) there are just certains things she cannot tell him, as then he freaks out and it really is for nothing, cause I have seen it, so I also understand my partner a lot from hearing her side of things. Anyway last night she decided she was going to go out and meet up with some other friends, I cannot stop her, but she said she will not be able to tell her partner as he will freak out (which I understand - cause even though all is innocent, I would have done the same if it was my partner). I told her I will leave the key for her, maybe she should just go for an hour. So off she went. We woke this morning to find she did not come back, obviously decided to just stay with these friends. My dilemna now is that my partner is pissed off (cause now he is put in a positions with her partner if he asks anything) but now I am getting the blame. He says " oh your friend didn' t come home"  oh so while the cats away the mouse will play"  He is making out like it is my fault. Meantime I said to him "  well it makes it worse for me actually because her partner is insecure like me, now she has to keep secrets, so I am thinking this is maybe what you do"  - Now it has ended in an argument and I have done absolutely nothing! I am pissed off with her - Do I tell her exactly what happened? What do I say to my partner?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Why are you allowing her to torment her partner, and to involve you in deception ? If she is at all serious about this "partnership" going off secrely and slepnding the night away is inexplicable. If she chooses to lie to her partner, that is her choice, even if a bad one . But she is NOT entitled to expect you or your partner to lie to him.
SHe doesn't "have to keep secrets" --- she chooses to do so, and her partner apparently has every reason to feel insecure about her. She sounds very irresponsible, and blamingi everyone but herself for the choices she makes.
Tell her you cannot and will not lie for her, nor help her to cheat or deceive her partner, and neither of you will do that. And tell your partner that you agree with him, and say what you have told her.
Going out with her stepbrother didn;t require her to stay out all night.
And consider relationship counselling for yourself and your partner --- the other couple may be beyond such help at this stage.
And don't attack Anon or other readers who are being frank and helpful, merely because you don't like what they think. And don't add that your relationship is nobody's business --- you chose to include the nature of your relationship within the core of your question.
And the fact that this deceitful woman has been a friend of yours, doesn'tmean you are compelled to defend everything she does, or to obey her every command. That is NOT what friends are for. Friends are there to advise their pals when they are being cruel or unwise.


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