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23 Jan 2008

rude husband
My husband needs serious anger management.

He has very little respect for anyone and thinks he can talk to us all any which way he wants to. Don't get me wrong though. On the one hand he is this very good-, kindhearted man who is often willing to help out my family financially, but he does not know how to be kind. He has his odd moment when he is fairly nice, but on the whole he is just plain rude. Yesterday when he came home, he was just abrupt in his way of talking and when I tell him he is being abrupt, he tells me there's nothing wrong with the way he speaks. His son, on the other hand, is the only one he speaks to in a very soft and gentle manner, to the extent that everyone thinks it is pathetic when they hear him talking to his son. Allow me to mention that we are not talking about a little boy here. His son is 28, unmarried, living with us. My husband does not even talk to his grandchildren in that way. What is going on here?

I deserve respect from him as I do not treat him in that way. I can, however, give as good as I get. And that is exactly what I did last night because I couldn't take it any more, so I swore at him and refuse to talk to him till I get that respect. I will not leave it like this though. It cannot go on like this!

What to do? Thanks.
Answer 489 views

01 Jan 0001

Maybe indeed he needs help with anger management --- but of course he's not likely to get any until he recognizes that this is indeed a problem for him ( as well as you ) and that he needs help. That's the challenge.
Sometimes a person, perhaps like him, who has grown up without experiencing kindness and politeness, simply doesn't know how to do it, and is clumsy in such matters. I wonder about this, when you say that he is very soft and gentle in the way he talks to his son --- maybe he identifies with the boy, remembering how it was when he was a boy, and tus he may be especially careful and kind to the boy, without recognizing that he ought to treat others in a similar fashion.
Is there any chance of persuading him to join you in marriage counselling ? ( eg through FAMSA ) ? Don't put it to him as though there is something wrong with him that needs to be fixed ( he's unlikely to accept that ) but maybe suggest that while there are many things about the marriage which you really appreciate and enjoy, there are aspects which make you unhappy, and you think maybe also make him less happy than he deserves to be, and you'd like to see if you can fix these things together
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