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06 Mar 2003

Sick & Tired of having best friends who loves playing the victims..
My best friend and I are not on speaking terms at the moment.. The reason is simple....she never takes my advise whenever I give it to her...she loves playing the victim - And I just have to tag along and pretend that I agree with everything she says. Well I got tired - I can't anymore I have so many problems but, I would never mention them as I don't want to burden people with my problems. I had an abortion last year and I didn't even feel like sharing it with her cause everything is always about her....Everyone uses her at work - she can't cope with the worksforce anymore but, she refuses to ask for help and instead complain to me about it.... she was in an abusive relationship - and wanted out but, didn't do anything about it? I can't listen to her problem's anymore....
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Jojo,
Yes, it is annoying, isn't it ? Some people do indeed define themselves solely as a victim, and spend as much time as possible confirming that assumption, and avidly seeking victimhood. One of the joys of seeing yourself only as a victim is that you avoid taking responsibility for your own choices and actions, you get to complain and expect universal sympathy, and everything is always someone else's fault. She doesn't mind burdening you and others with her problems --- she thinks that's what other people are for, after all.
It's a tiresome and self-defeating set of habits, and very hard for someone outside to change. At some point, mabe she can realize how unhelpful this set of assumptions are, decide to take responsibility for her choices, and see a shrink for psychotherapy and change. Until then, the risk is that sympathetic people will re-inforce her bad habits, until eventually, like you, they recognize that she's an ultimate taker, and rarely a giver, and for self-protection, they decide to withdraw. And don't feel guilty about withdrawing support for such maladaptive behaviours on her part.
If a portion of the space shuttle debris fell on your head --- you're a victim, pure and simple, and deserve help and support --- and ater you recover, you'll go back to being self-sufficient, and available to help others. If, on the other hand, you refuse to seek help you obvously need, take on roles and tasks you cannot cope with, enter obviously abusive situations and choose to remain there, then you're a voluntary victim, by choice, and shouldn't expect others to take responsibility for your choices.
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