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07 Mar 2003

Some connection problems
Dear doc,

I went for professional help last year for depression. In my sessions it came out that I was raped by my grandfather as a little girl for about 3 years. When I was in primary school I was raped again by friends of my parents' son. I have always felt that something was wrong with me and I've worked through the rapes with the help of a wonderful psychiatrist. My problem now is that I have difficulty enjoying sex. I have difficulty removing the vile acts that was done to me as a child from the loving acts of my boyfriend of 8 years. I have always been a very active partner, but since I can clearly remember what happened to me and realise that sex is something that is not required of me to be loved I have no sex drive. It has turned into a chore. I greatly want to enjoy sex again but I don't know how to stop seeing my grandfather each time I have sex. Please could you help me.
Answer 313 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear Confused,
I'm puzzled about why the wonderful psychiatrist who persuaded you to remember early childhood sexual abuse, ( the recollection of which is of absolutely not the slightest value to you, as such ) hasn't stayed on the task in helping you to deal with precisely the problems you mention, which may arise more from the way in which he worked with you to arrive at those "memories", than as a consequence of any early childhood events themselves. The only possible point in trying to remember unfortunate expriences early in life, would be to examine any unhelpful conclusions one has dawn from the events, and revise these so as to be as free and happy in the present and future, as possible.
For a psychiatrist / psychlogist, to simple play a game of archeology, to eventually dig out some long-buried bone and dump it in your lap. like an enthusiastic doberman, and just leave it there, is lousy therapy. If youn still have the problems and issues you outline, then you HAVEN'T worked through these matters, and your therapist's job is as undone as if a surgeon diagnosed appendicitis, opened up your belly, and then went away on holiday.
If you had come to believe, as you imply, that sex was required of you in order to be loved ; this doesn't imply that if it isn't required for any reason, such as bringing you pleasure, and within a loving relationship.
I'm sorry to sound harsh about your "wonderful psychiatrist", but he/she has left the job seriously incomplete, and should be asked to finish the job, working with you on precisely the issues you raise in your question.
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