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26 Feb 2003

Suicidal Flashes because of weight
Is it normal to go through an hour or so of thinking you are going to kill yourself and to accept it and be calm about it? I sometimes feel so completely left out of things / distant from people or someone might say something to me like 'you've gained weight' or 'your face is puffy' and I would just completely withdraw and suddenly it will just come into my head that I have no hope, no future and that I have to kill myself. I had an eating disorder for about 4 years, but it went away with help - and I started eating normally again last year. Unfortunately with stopping the dietpills (addicted), suddenly eating food again and taking medication (antidepressants) - I picked up about 10 kg over the year. The doctor said it's normal and that I will have to expect it - after not eating properly for so long. And I'm quite ok with it most of the time. But people seem to feel it's their duty to mention to me that I've become quite fat. Most people seem to just have forgotten that I was nearly dead and had anorexia - and their comments like "I told you that after any diet - you will just put it all back on doubly again' are REALLY disturbing and triggering. I started making myself sick again - and food taste funny and disgusting - but in my mind to stop eating again to get rid of the flesh will take too long and I want to be out of it immediately. I read in one of the pamphlets the doc gave to me that the biggest killer of anorexics and bulemics is suicide. Now I understand why. Any advice????
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Kirsty,
I wish we could impose really large fines on the idiots who feel obliged to offer others their useless advice in such comments as "You've gained weight!" Such smug commentators never realize that their comments are almost always unhelpful and hurtful. I knew someone who used to reply with something like : "Maybe I've gained weight, but I notice you haven't gained either tact or wisdom, and it may be a bit late for you to learn either of those."
It is very clear from what you say, that you are still suffering from an Eating Disorder ; that you have made excellent progress with earlier treatment an your own hard work and sense ; but that there is still a bit further to go. I think it is very important that you shoduld see your psychiatrist again, to discuss this more recent phase of the problem, for possible adjustment of your medication, and specific advice on how to handle these clumsy clods and their daft comments, without feeling pushed back into disordered eating and making yourself sick again.
You've done a fantastic job in getting this far, especially in getting rid of the diet pill habit, and you truly deserve to finish the job of getting well, so you can enjoy life as you're meant to.
Maybe a shorter response to the idiot commentators who say you've gained weight, would be : "You really think so ? Thanks a lot ! That's exactly what I needed to do, in recovering from my illness ! Thanks for your encouragement !" That'll spoil their fun, but reinforce the fact that some mild weight-gain is a factor improving your health.
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