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24 Nov 2005

Thank U 4 all ur support
Hi All

Thank you to all who gave there kind words and offers of support with regards to my posting. It really warms my heart knowing that there are so many of you out there giving your time, lending a hand in a time of need when infact you yourselves have troubles of your own.
Your words & advice given sound so familiar to me as they are those of my therapist. "Accept and let go of all the bad...with love" and "Take care of ones self first above anyone else". I feel I have accepted what has happened and moved on. I have realised that nothing in the world could change what has happened and I believe those lost are in a better place. I no longer dwell on "what if" or "why?" as I too have come to realise and understand that for everything that happens, there is a reason BUT I have learnt to accept that "why?" is not always revealed and you will not always get the answers in life. What saddens me is that I made all these conscious decisions to mend myself and realise that I am the only one who can but it feels as though I am failing myself and all those who have faith in me. I know that it will take time but it feels as though time is against me.
... I will agree that having posted on this forum did make me feel a load lighter as when I returned from work I was able to get out of my quiet mode. Fortunate or Unfortunate (this I do not know) I am not the tearful type...I just tend to go very quiet. My husband says that he cannot be with me when I am like this and I understand his frustrations. He is a wonderful man but he too has his faults and like eveyone else, is not perfect. He tends to think that it is him or something he's done and the more I tell him it's not and the more I ask, beg and plead for him to just grab me, hold me, hug me, love me & give me some TLC when I am like this he still chooses to keep his distance and avoid me. It's almost as if I know, at that moment, that this is what will fix me...or help me snap out of it alot quicker but I guess I will never know. I guess that I am worried that he will not stick around and be supportive which makes me panic even more. I thought that he would be more understanding having had to go through a more severe case with a relative...but as they say blood is thicker than water. I wish that he would realise that it is not often that it happens and as ... said it is "temporary".
I am also feeling alot brighter today because last night I had a dream about my late father. It may sound daft to many of you out there but it really made me feel happy. I dreamt that I was a little girl again, running toward him with his arms outstretched. As I got to him he picked me up, swung me around and gave me the biggest kiss & hug imaginable. It fealt so real and if I had to interpret it that that is how I am feeling now like a child helpless and vulnerable, the hug and kiss given was one that you would give to someone you have not seen in a long time...which it has been and it was something I really felt I needed. I found out recently that my father to was depressed as a youngster and tried to commit suicide. It feels as though he was letting me know he was there once too and is still here with me now when I need him most.
I will admit that I do not exercise much but my daughter does keep me on my toes till about 10pm at night. On weekends, atleast twice a month, we take the kids on outings to the zoo etc. Between my son and daughter on the go, in one trip, it almost equals 6 months of serious training.
Today I have my chin up ... Thank U all once again...hope you have a good day
Answer 373 views

01 Jan 0001

Hi Voyeur --- so pleased to hear that you're feeling better, and found your visits here to be helpful --- that's the general idea !
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