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23 Nov 2005

The pain of being Gay.
I understand where some people on this forum come from, if you use the bible as a reference as all people should. I am gay and I have never been in a relationship where I have loved someone and being loved back, simply because I am very scared of being rejected by the people I fall in love with. My heart chooses who I fall in love with, and my heart does not choose between sexual orientation but looks at a persons heart, personality, values, looks. I have always fallen in love with straight guys and Have been very hurt every time. As a child I remember praying to God everday to make me not gay, I excelled at school and in work like no other individual, I put all my energies into my work to forget my affection for guys.....But I am so lonely and I hurt everyday to the point that I ask God somedays to end my pain and take me to be with him. I can remember from the age 9 of being attracted to a boy at school. I have only loved three times in my life, I dont chop and change like the weather when I love someone I really do and they all happen to be straight guys. If I had a choice in life I would rather be straight than gay any day because the possiblity for finding love would be far greater. everyday a bit of me dies as long as I cannot be able to express what I feel towards the boy that I love. This is my cross to bear like so many of us have pain in our lives straight or gay. We live a difficult world where people judge others where dog eats dog and where people are selfish, I wish we all including my self could learn from what we read in scripture and Love others unconditionally because the bible tells us so. But despite all my bible reading all my Chats with God my emptiness remains amd pain of not be able to love is so overwhelming. I pray that everyone on this forum finds true love in their lives because we all deserve to be happy straight and Gay.
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Lonelyboy and thanks for posting on our forum.

You need to assume some responsibility for several aspects of your current circumstances. It sounds as if you haven't come to terms with your sexuality, you possibly have a high level of internalised homophobia and it sounds as if you have major issues related to intimacy. And to top it all you've assumed a slight 'victim' mentality.

Firstly, since you choose to approach your life from a biblical paradigm (your comment "...as all people should..." is insulting to non-Christians) I suggest you join a gay or gay-friendly church. This might allow you to experience yourself, as a gay Christian, in a positive light and it will afford you an opportunity to meet other gay Christians. Your pattern of falling in "love" with straight men is dysfunctional and probably a defence against your fear of intimacy.

Secondly, you sound as if you could do with a spark of spontaneous, child-like fun in your life - are you allowed to have fun? Bake an instant chocolate cake, decorate a Christmas tree, try out a new cocktail shaker, do some retail therapy, take up Tai Chi, learn to tango, buy a sex toy, change your hairstyle, paint a wall purple.

Thirdly, you sound like a candidate for counselling by a gay-friendly therapist.
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