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18 Dec 2002

To be or not to be
I have thought of the porn issue time and again and sometimes I don't have a problem with it but then I think and read about new concerns and then start to worry. Research and Surveys show that more or less 60% of people divorcing and seeking counselling have something to do with some or other form of porn, and it also shows that (I think about...) 75-80% of these 60% people cheated.

I've been with my husband about 7 years and do give him permission (as he ask permission 2 watch) to watch porn on the internet or I'll buy him mags. But somehow deep inside of me I have this battle of whether this is good for the marriage/me. Doesn't it change ones (referring to one doing the watching) view of what you've missed or miss? I'm an attractive woman and he complement me allot but I'm still....unsure, mad, jealous I guess!

What I'm struggling to get is...WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT WHEN YOU WATCH IT? Does he think that, "I wish I could get hold of this babe?" : "Niccceeee!" or other things. Well, he can't tell me he's not thinking of anything (Yeah, RIGHT!!!???). When I do ask him he tells me nothing...or that he is curious. Sometimes he'll watch when I'm away on business and boy does he watch every second...I mean until 4 in the morning, and when I'm @ home he's asleep by 9:30...

So I really don't know what to think, feel about the 'porn' or my husband watching it... Should I worry or not... Will I become a victim of stats and surveys?

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Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

Everyone feels differently. These are really tough questions that have to be individually defined. Essentially, it comes down to what you define as "going too far." You'll need to evaluate the situation objectively by thinking about these facts.

* Masturbation among men who are in committed relationships is not unusual.

* Fantasy is very different than actually acting out.

* It is a myth that your man should only fantasize about YOU while masturbating.

* It is common for men to use pictures or the internet as part of their fantasies.

* Men with high sex drives who enjoy sex with their partners are apt to feel more sexual, not less.

While these facts do not excuse men from their obligations to their lovers, it can help you understand that generally men do use pornography to let off sexual steam. Cybersex and pornography may trouble you because you are concerned about living up to the "standard" others are setting. Your moral value system may be called into question and you may wonder whether this crosses over the line. The exploitation of women may upset your sensibilities. Usually the use of pornography is in no way a reflection of how he feels about you or your sex life just as your crush on Mel Gibson or the steamy romance novel you are reading doesn't affect your feelings for him.

However, if your man is spending more time with the internet girls than with you that is a whole different problem. If he is chatting, corresponding, establishing cyber relationships or even actually meeting other women, there is real cause for concern. The rule of thumb is simple: Is he doing something that he can't or won't share with you? If the answer is yes, it directs your to other need approaches..

If his use of pornography has become chronic and you are upset your best solution is to try to talk about it. You may want to speak with him yourself or set up an appointment with a therapist who can help you both understand the situation. The key is not to give up. No matter how angry or upset you may be, you (and he) must be willing to work on your relationship.

Dr Mac
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