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19 Aug 2010

Too Old or is it something else?
I am 71 and have been married for 35 years this year. For the last few years my husband has not touched me sexually and I grew used to it. Then I met an old male friend of 73 (same age as my husband) and we had an affair which lasted 3 years, much to my surprise. We stopped he went back to his much younger wife which is one reason why he felt so comfortable with me (she is nearly 20 years younger) and I went back to my sexless husband. Both parties know about the affair. I have no idea how my friend''s situation has changed but in my case, nothing has changed as far as the sex goes but I am still very fond of my husband. He won''t hear of going to a doctor for a check-up (he used to suffer from premature ejaculation but that didn''t bother us in our earlier stages as he recovered quickly). Now of course I am presuming that he is afraid of even trying although I have never berated him for that (if berate is the right word to use). What to do is the question if anything. Has anyone any advice or should I accept that that part of my life is over? Thank you.
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Expert
Sexologist
Sexologist

01 Jan 0001

Apologies for the delay in responding.

One of the wonderful aspects of a sexual relationship may also be it's downfall in certain circumstances - it is the coming together of individuals. It is wonderful when things work well - eg. how good it feels for a partner to be highly motivated to give the other pleasure, but it is also a fairly helpless situation when there is a problem and one of the individuals refuses to address it! This is particularly so in our society where the assumption is often that our life partner is also our only sexual partner. The reality is that if you choose to continue to remain with your husband, and to not to pursue other sexual partnerships (which objectively is more challenging when in the 7th decade! - fewer partners available, higher occurrence of sexual dysfunction and other health problems), then you are essentially in the position where you will have to accept that he is unable to be sexual with you, and unwilling to address this. As such, your hands are tied with him. Does this mean that this part of your life is over? Only if you see sexual pleasure as only being able to be met by a partner (i.e. this can be met partially by self-stimulation although this may feel unfulfilling to some people), or specifically him as your partner.

Sadly you are in good company with many many other people in marriages where their spouse (male or female) is too afraid/uncomfortable to attempt to address sexual discrepancies. Perhaps what you could do is at least make sure that physical intimacy is still present so that you have your need to feel loved by your husband is still being met?

Claire - SASHA
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