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18 Mar 2003

True friendship gone wrong.
I'm gonna try make a really long story shorter...
I'm 27 and having problems with my best friend of the past 6 years. Since we met we were inseperable and just grew closer and closer to such an extend that we 'fell in love'. As neither of us are homosexual, we eventually realised individually, this of course created some friction when I decided to try 'straighten' out my life. I care about S so much and love her deeply and could not comprehend ever loosing her friendship, but it's really difficult upkeeping both a healthy romantic relationship with my boyfriend and a very caring friendship with S. She's never been in a relationship, (because I think she's very picky when it comes to people) and found a soulmate and someone she really admires in me. I regret allowing things to develop futher than they should have, but sometimes its impossible to fight those feelings. I feel guilty for having found love, although I try and want to include her in my life as much as possible. We still spend loads of time together - also her with my boyfriend, and I do so much for her and she for me. Things are just so difficult - one minute she's fine and chatting away and supposed to sleep over at our house and the next minute she just seems so down and depressed with the usual excuse that she forgot pyjamas at home. Never a real reason. She tries to not let it get to her I think, but it still seems to. She doesnt talk to me about this either. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now, and thought that by this time things should be sorted out. It's really depressing me, because I dont her to be hurting. I dont know if I should talk to her, as things should have been resolved long ago. Just feels like she hides her emotions from me and discusses me and my boyfriend behind my back, but seems fine with it in our company. I dont want unhealthy relationships in my life anymore, but really cant but stay friends with her. She means so much to me.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

tired,
Your friend really, really, needs counselling. She needs a social and love-life of her own, not to share yours. By allowing herself to become far too reliant on you, in a relationship far too exclusive to be wholesome, she is avoiding the necessary task of forming other relationships.
And you are taking far too much responsibility for how she feels --- that's her task, not yours. It's not up to you to distort your own life to ensure that she feels no hurt --- that's her job. The "soul-mate" concept is a really dangerous one, and no god for either of you. And if you find it really hard to scale down this over-dependent relatonship betweem you, maybe you also need to see a counsellor, to get things back into proportion, and to regain control of your own life.
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