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06 Jul 2011

ultimatum
My bf gave me an
ultimatum last nyt that i either
open up emotionally or we r
done.i was so shocked n hurt
that i cudnt believ how little i
mean 2 him.he said that he''s
feelings 4 me r gettin less bcos
he feels im not committed enuf,i
dnt trust him and so he doesnt
feel being with me is worth it.i
told him il open up wen im
ready n he wouldnt hear of it.he
said i must tell him wat
happened in da past 4 me 2 not
trust so much n didn want 2 say
much then he became
impossible.then he told me wen
im ready i''ll let him know and until
then we not communicating.we''ve been dating for only 3 months and i''m not ready to open up and feel he must just wait.we not having sex because of my religious beliefs of no pre-marital sex and he told me he''ll try his best to wait and if he can''t take it he''ll remember his commitment to wait and let that motivate him.he is 29 and has been having sex all these years so a part of me understands it might be hard.so far he hasn''t put pressure on me but for some reason i keep asking him for reassurance that he''s really committed to waiting.he got really annoyed that i asked him that again and claimed that i don''t trust or believe him and doesn''t get why he has to tell me this everytime like i am hoping that he will change his answer and prove that he was not honest.that is how everything ended up as explained above.i feel he must just wait until i am ready to open up.i find it hard to trust and open up even im my past relationship but my ex was more patient but eventually it caused problems for us.this makes it hard for me to know when i''m at fault or not as i feel justified in not trusting as i don''t want to be hurt .please help
Answer 369 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Apparently he is assuming that all that might be wrong within this relationship lies within you, and is voluntary, and can be fixed by you deciding to just do things differently, which is unlikely. Your comments suggest that there are indeed some sort of dark secrets within your past which you hesitate to tell him about, so maybe he isn't just being nost, and maybe some discussion of the issues here would be useful - but with the aid of a skilled marriage counsellor.
Your religious views need to be respected, but it sounds as though this matter of "waiting" has become a major issue for both of you. If you keep asking him about this, you can see how annoying and distrustful this would sound to him.
It doesn't sound clear whether you will EVER feel like "opening up" to him, so you are asking him to wait indefinitely for something that might not even hapen. Sounds like you could benefit from some individual counselling, first, to sort out what appear tyo be major issues you have about aspects of your past ; and then some couples counselling to work out what can and can't work between you
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