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12 Mar 2003

Unhappy marriage with baby on the way
My husband of 4+ years has recently told me that he does not truly love me and in fact never really did. His reasons for marriage was simply caring and convenience. It was also something forced upon us by parent pressure. I have loved my husband more than life itself and it hurts terribly to know that he does not share my feelings. I am now pregnant and this complicates things alot. I am willing to let my husband go so he may find the happiness he deserves but he wants to stay together for the sake of the baby. He has made many promises in the past to work on our marriage but has not kept them so I fear that even this child cannot perform miracles.

We are not at the stage where we cannot stand to be near each other. In fact, nobody else knows that we're having problems because our public appearances don't show it. We still get along very well and we probably could make things work if my husband did his part. My concern is that if he could not fall in love with me after 6 years together, then it's likely not going to happen ever. I'm sure he will be a good father to our child but I need him to be a good husband to me and that I don't think is possible. I try very hard to please him and there is little left to try.

Please advise on what I should do to make him realise that we have a good marriage and that we can be very happy together. If possible, how can I make him love me?
Answer 330 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Anon, children ARE miracles --- but they don't perform miracles. No-one should expect a child to mend a marriage. Only the actual married partners can mend a marriage, and in a situation with these complexities, both partners need to be sincerely and actively engaged in the process, and the help of an experienced mariage gidance counsellor would be very much adviseable. It was irresponsible of him to enable you to become pregnant, if he was having this sort of doubt --- maybe it is the pregnancy itself which brought his feelings of doubt to the surface, as he faces the responsibilities of parenthood.
Don't get hung up on the idea of "letting him go so he may find the happiness he deserves" --- he deserves happiness only as much as you do, and less than the child does. Maybe he reason he hasn't completed the process of falling in love with you, is that he has difficulty falling in love with anyone ; in other words, the obstacle probably lies within him, and not you, so don't blame yourself for whatever he lacks. You're probably right that the two of you could make things work, and could devise a happy marriage, if you could both work on it earnestly, with the assistance of a counsellor. The issues that matter aren't about who's to blame, but who's taking the responsibility to fix things.
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