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19 Aug 2007

unhealthy?
i was wondering, why do i love him so much? even though he hurt me and all that, when i hurt him he has this attitude: 'you did something very bad so i don't care about you and my life continues because of it' - well something to that effect.
yet, when he hurts me, i cry (maybe coz i'm female) but then i dwell on it, and really want us to sort things out, and my life all seems to stop. he abuses this state of mind by telling me that only i hve to change/compromise and we would be happy then.

sigh. but i would love to know how to move on, how to continue with my life, how to stop letting the things he said/ did / didn't do - affect me so intensely that i cant get out of bed and enjoy life the way everyone else does. is it an acquired thing, coldness and indifference? i wish i could detach the way everyone in my life detaches.

the worst thing i heard from his lips, was that if anyone else had me - after 3 years just like him - they would run and 'need their space'. i always liked my space and gave people their space so this is quite a shock, then i realized he only ever needed space when there was a problem/fight/issue. i'll never win, mostly because i have such a retard mentality that i deserve crap since i am the common denominator - my mother has never been supportive, and has even blamed me for her life going awry. my brother takes time off from his hectic life just to yell at me now and then. anyway, i'm going to move into a flat this week to be alone, because i think with all these characters around me, i am focussed way too much on how they treat me instead of how to move on and be happy in a healthy way.

i was wondering if anyone else loves their spouse in that way, where if there are troubles they focus all their attention on it, and feel better only when its sorted out, talked through etc... or are people too busy and too disinterested to do stuff like that?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

A fascinating question, CK. Isn't part of the puzzle that part of "loving" someone is primarily within us, and about us, and not really about them at all ? It's rather like hunger, which is a normal aspect of ourselves, though it is usually attached to some available food. It can also become focussed on food we see in the window of a closed shop, which we may hunger for, but cannot have and eat. So with someone cruel or manipulative or otherwise undesirable, we can "love" them, in a manner that is actually almost entirely about our need to love, and our dreams about and attachment to, the person we hoped they would be and want them to become, rather than any actual affection for the person they really are.
And having known you closely, like all scornful former lovers, he knows exactly what to say to really would and upset you. Try not to take such comments too much to heart, recognizing them as a well-chosen attempt to hurt you, rather than as an acurat description of you.
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