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12 Mar 2004

Update -my brother took away my virginity
Many thanks to all of you who responded to my posting , you've provided me with a lot of constructive advice. Due to the fear of causing chaos within the family, my friend decided to confront her brother and not go to the police first . I accompanied her for moral support , but left them alone to discuss the matter. I did not want to interfere but I was not far away just in case things turn nasty.I gave her a tiny tape recorder to hide in her pocket while they were talking about this and asked her to try to get him to confess. God was by our side. He was totally caught by suprise, my friend pluck up all her courage and was very firm and stern when she addressed the issue.She threatened to report the matter to the police is he does not tell her why he did it and promise never to attempt such a thing again. She threatened him that if he attempts even one more time to anyone she will not hesitate to go to the police. He kept quite for a long time , started sobbing and apologised and told her that he needs help , he does not know what is happening with him , he even gets turned on by looking at her 5 year old daughter.Needless to say I got goose bumps listening to the tape, I just could not believe it . He apologised and promised never to do that and he promised to seek proffesional help. I'm proud of my friend ,I know it was not easy for her to confront her demon brother but she did it ! One thing I liked about her was the fact that she did not feel sorry for him while he was sobbing , she did'nt try to comfort him or say anything he just let him carry on until he stopped .

I'm not sure how sincere he is to getting professional help, but he apologised and promised that he'll never do it . The mere mention of the word ' police" nearly made his eyes pop out.I'm just worried about his 5 year old daughter , I dont know what to do , I dont know if it will be wise for me to poke my nose in this business.It's his child , he lives with her , how far can I go , I'm afraid of talking to his live in lover about the child because I'm not even used to her ( we dont really know each other ). what do I do ? My friend just cried after we left his place after she confronted him , she told me that she feels a lot of weight lifted off her shoulders , her only concern as well is the child. What can we do , where can we draw the line ? If he forced his sisters to have sex with him he surely can do that to his own child , even the fact that he mentioned that he 5 year old daughter turns her on is scary.This is emotionally draining me , I sometimes wish I could move away from this , it's impacting on me heavily. But we now have the tape where he confessed for safekeeping in case it's needed in the future. What can we do ! My friend still needs to go for counselling , does she really have to take this extra burden as well ?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Make several copies of the tape, to ensure it's safekeeping in more than one place, and with more than one person. ( Preserving confidentiallity by having it sealed in a strong envelope ).
Well done to you both in handling stage 1 well. But more really needs to be done, to protect the children at risk, now and in the future. When people in this situation weep, it's hard to be sure whether they're truly sad about what they did, or sorry that they have been found out. And if he was sincere, he would surely offer to take steps to be sure that no other children, including the 5-year-olds, were at risk, by not allowing himself acess to them.
And his admission that he needs treatment is not enough --- he's surely known that for a long time, but he hasn't done anything about i. She can insist that he does go to see a psychiatrist about this, and that he does enter a proper treatment program, and that he must prove to her that he has done so and is continuing to work within it, otherwise he's just been let off the hook.
Surely the child's mother needs to know, to be cautious and to be able to protect her child ? For your friend to continue to deal assertively with this problem should not add to her burden --- as you mention, having confronted him, she felt significantly better. It is empowering for a victim to be able to act so as to control the aggressor who harmed her, and to prevent further such abuse of others. yes, she deserves counselling for herself ; but can either of you face how you will fel when you discover that he has continued doing this ? We know of no cases of such a serial child abuser who has ever stopped doing this entirely on his own.
You might want to delay reporting this to the police only in order to use that as a way of pressuring him into proper serious therapy with the appropriate expert professional. Ultimately, though, they will need to become involved, for the protection of others.
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