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22 Aug 2011

What should I do?
I am in a relationship now for 10years, we have 2 beatiful kids, but we are not married, mostly because I don''t want to marry him. The thing is, we met when we were both on rebound, he lost a child and was getting a divorce, and I just got out of my first serious relationship. He was drinking heavily when we met, but he never got aggresive then, then when we moved in together about 4 month later, he started getting aggresive, I wanted to get out of my parents house because me and my dad were fighting alot. And this was I suppose the easiest way to get out of the house, I was only 19 at the time. So when I wanted to get out of living with him (the guy) I found out that I was pregnant, so I stayed. Only to be alone all the time as he was always out drinking, and the to be tossed around and slapped around. I thought well he will get over it since he maybe had deppresion from losing a child an the divorce and all but it did not get better, we always think we can change someone for the better... well a second child was born and still nothing changed, then I gave him an ultimatimum stop drinking or I am gone, so he got those pills inplanted that helps you to stop drinking, although they only last a year, and everthing was great in that time. The he started again, he then got very sick had to get extreme surgery and was in bed for about 6 months were he could not work. He does not want me to work as he is to jealous and feels he can trust no one, he was in a relationship were the girl cheated on him and he found them in bed. And he never had a family relationship as he was put in the ''koshuis'' since he was gr2 and his parents got divorced at that time. He and his sister doesnt get along at all, so he has no one he can count on.
In the time when he was sick I started working but we fought everyday since he didnt trust me. So I stoped working again just to hear everyday of my life that he is the one taking care of me and I am eating the food he buys....
I was molested as a child by one of my uncles and I feel nothing sexually and he loves sex and I dont, and that is also one of our biggest fights.
I also feel like I have put up this mental block of not feeling anything that is like a coping mechanism for me, and so I don''t feel anything even if my kids get hurt and that is not good at all.
I now want to know he has no one and at the moment he will not be able to move out and get his own place, and I feel that I can not do that to my kids, throw there dad to the wolfs, but in the mean time I put up this act that I am fine and happy when I am not at all. I lost my credit name because of him I am so thick in debt because of him and I cant work to pay any of it of because of him. I don''t know any more? I am really depro but gotten so got at acting its scary. None of my friends get along with him they dont like him or the way he talks to me. My parents dont like him but tries to get along with him for my sake.
Please I need to know what I can do.
I am a routine kind of person and are really scared that I will go into bad deppression if he leaves and I am alone? and what about my kids how will they handle it? they are 6 and 9?
Last week he gave me a blue eye by accident, and felt really bad about it. He is a good person and I understand him and he has a good heart but I honestly dont know anymore, I am scared he will try to take my kids away since I dont work an cannot provide for them... ?????????????????? He still has a kid from his previous marrage but he hardly sees her, and we dont really get along but all because of her mothers influence.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

For clarity, you don't want to marry him, but you do want to live with him for 10 years and have 2 kids with him ? He was a heavy drinker and aggressive and abusive when drunk ( maybe that was WHY he had a divorce and "lost a child" ? ), and you wanted to get out of the house of an aggressive / combative dad ?
He is untrusting, and though it might be better for yo and the kids if he were gone, you feel sorry for him ?
Apparently nobody likes him, even you, if you're frank about it. And that seems to be HIS fault, because he works hard at being unlikeable and self-centred.
Is being with him REALLY better than being alone ? If so, given all the negative aspects to him, what that is genuinely good do you get from him ?
You ask what to do, bu seem to firmly rule out the obvious thing to do.
Caro makes excellent sense. Try to find a personal counsellor who can help you learn to like and trust yourself more and like and trust him less, and work out what is genuinely best for you and the children.
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