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02 Aug 2011

What the hell is wrong here?
My mother is 100% normal and lucid. I was told by a psychologist that she does not see me as a separate person but as an extension of herself. She drives me crazy. I ask her to do things and not to do things (all reasonsable) and she does the opposite. She has not been well and moved into my house to recover. She was told to rest. I asked her not to do stuff until she is better. I was not well on Sunday so the house is a mess. I come home to find she has lifted heavy furniture. I am inundated with her medical bills safe to say I am in debt. I asked her not to touch my stuff, I actually pleaded with her and she said yes stop nagging me. Came home to find she had packed aside books we do not want for the neighbor. As the neighbor is taking them I see one of my most precious books in there.I lost it. I said how dare you.I was so furious I said what makes you think you can do this and I proceeded to throw 3 huge boxes of packed books out of the front door onto the driveway.She went to pick them up and said how childish. I swore at her &  said you stomp all over my feelings you take no cognisance of what is important to me. F you. Hardly a loving daughter. I try to do everything I can for this 70 year and I control myself but she never co-operates. She just does what she wants. She packs the boxes inappropriately when I asked her not to.I actually wish someone would take her away I would pay for all her expenses even if it means I must live in a dingy one bedroom flat.Her other kids do not speak to her and her husband committed suicide.I am at my wits end I find myself shouting at her in frustration.She shouts back at me and tells me she can''t take this at her age.What about me I just came out of hospital myself and I have a super demanding job as well.
Answer 294 views

01 Jan 0001

Many mothers have that tendency, but maybe your mom does so to extremes.
If she reliably does the opposite of what you ask, have you tried asking her to do the opposite of what you want ?
Apparently its in her nature to keep busy and at work ( some of us are really bad at doing nothing )- try giving her less physically straining tasks to do, and in ways that would involve you in the ultimate decision making.
She was presumptuous in assuming she knew exactly what you needed done and what you should have wanted done ; maybe you also over-reacted a bit, because you were reacting not only to the specific events of the book bundling, but to all the other similar events you recalled. If she had just put the books aside, presumably you could have checked them before the neighbour arrived to take them ?
She's 70, but maybe does feel 70, or doesn't want to feel and acknowledge that she's 70 ? And the implications ( realistic or otherwise ) of her husband having committed suicide ) may understandably trouble her, even if she might not admit that. Facing one's new limitations and dependency, is a tough thing.

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