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24 Feb 2004

what was i thinking
i never believed in having casual sex with someone and never tought that i could do that, until a few days ago. i met a really nice man and we went out twice for a drink, it was very platonic and relaxed and we had fun and i thought he can be a potential friend. i took him to meet some of my friends one night and we had a few drinks with them and ended up going for more drinks, and beofre the night was over, we slept with each other. now i'm mortified and angry wiht myself, beacuse i feel i spoiled a good potential frienship and it is not like me to have casual sex, i don't know him @ all - and what must he be thinking of me? i was not that drunk, i could have stopped it, but passion took over my reason. i'm struggling with myself in trying to understand why i did it, and i can not believe i actually slept with a man i barely know. i'm embarressed and ashamed and really hoped that the two of us could be friends and get to know each other. but im afraid he thinks i'm cheap and a slut for what happened. i want to show him the real me, and apologise for what happened, but i'm not sure how to address the situation. i'm not sure if he was maybe jsut a typical guy looking for sex and thought he could get it from me. i don't want to contact himand seem clingy or make it look like i'm after him, but i'm so mad at myself and feel like he has a misconception about me now. i haven't heard from him in a while, which makes me think it was just a one night stand, but i silently hope that he does contact me, so that i just don't feel used. i feel so stupid, 'cause i said that i don't believe in casual sex, and really want to explain myself , but why didn't i prevent it form happening? what made me do that? and how can i feel better over this? i feel so cynical about love and men as it seems harder these days just to meet nice guys without them wanting to sleep with you! it never crossed my mind once that we could end up in a situtation like this, but we did and i have to accept this, and try to learn something from this. i really need adcive out of a psychological point of view as to why people sleep so easile with each other and how to reverse this and maybe still build a friendship with this man and how can i effectively commuicate with him about this. i do hope he contacts me or this will just be an empty experience with no meaning.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear edre,
I undersand your distress. I am also intrigued by how firmly and automatically one assumes a double standard. Surely, sleeping with anyone you don't really know is rarely a good idea --- but having slept with him so early in the relationship, you worry that he will consider you "cheap and a slut", without any even faint idea of him as being "cheap and a slut". Yet you both did exactly the same thing. You think much less of yourself, and expect him to do so, too ; but you think aparently, none the less of him, and don't expect him to be troubled about himself. Hmmm.
Who knows what he may be thinking now ? He may be feeling bad, that he took adantage of you, and that you'll think he was just a guy looking for a one-night stand, etc. Maybe he fels as hesitant about calling you, for similar reasons, as you feel about calling him ?
Either way, you'll never really know, until one of you plucks up the courage to call the other, and arrange to meet, preferably somewhere neutral and sober, like a coffee bar, and TALK about it.
Why do people sleep so easily with each other ? Rather a big question. Why do people NOT sleep so easily with each other ? Because their rational thoughts about the possible consequences ( problems with other relationships, pregnancy, HIV/AIDS and other STD, embarrassment the morning after, whatever ) take precedence over the immediate lustful temptatons for pleasure in the event. Alcohol is notoriously effective, long before we're falling-over drunk, for dissolving our wisdom and inhibitions, and encouraging us to stop thinking rationally about condequences, and make it far easier to plunge into the opportunities of the moment.
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