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15 Mar 2004

when does hope die???
hi everyone

most know my past history and the fact that my ex was abusive and has no responsilible or self esteem

remember he returned for a couple of days and got engage to some lady - i balled my eyes out and thought i was at last letting go - he obviously can't pull himself together and be the caring and repsonsible i want his to be - the probelm is i love him more than he loves himself

i told him to stop contacting me and calling me by my nick, he did but friday night he called and said he make a huge mistake and can't belive he was so stupid - i nearly told he thats nothing strange about it - his entire life is filled with stupid choices

now i just couldn't stop myself from hoping again that he was changing and becoming a better person ... i know im soooo stupid

i know i'm not ready for a new relasionship yet i just can't seem to let go of this hopeless hope i have of my ex changing into a better person

how do i stop hoping and get my heart to accept the things my head knows about this relasionship?

i'm trying really hard not to think about him but the hope is just always there - i know the fact that he realized his huge mistake regarding the other lady is not going to stop him from seeing her or getting married for ythat matter so what is the use of realizing you made a mistake if you can't stop and turn back ...

i know i can't so anything to change him but how do i get to move on ? get involved with someone els while i know i'm not ready?

i just want to stop hoping !

thx

nina
Answer 395 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear lady nina,
Of course you're not stupid, never that ; but you can, like most of us, be unrealistically hopeful at times. Maybe he did indeed recognize that he had made a major mistake, but that of course didn't mean that he had radically changed within himself to the point of being incapable of being as hurtful and unthinking as before. Sometimes one can use these brief episodes of partial clarity on his part to encourage him to see a shrink to try to achieve actual change, but the episodes themselves are not evidnce of change having already been accomplished.
You will be able to move on, eventually, and the timing of that is hard to guess. Imitating his mistake(s) won't help.
And remember, when one has lost a love elatonship, one can become too focussed on trying to replace it with another love relationship. Often it's more useful to develop other friendships and sustaining relationships without necessarily looking for love. These can be a sort of emotional ointment that help you to heal, and to be ready for love when you next find it.
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