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31 Mar 2003

When the past haunts the future
When I was 7 years old my cousin (whom I shall refer to as X) of 12 came to stay with us for a while. He found a porno movie and locked us in a room forcing me to watch it. Afterwards he forced me to do unspeakable things for him including sexual intercoarse. I had to agree because he told me that he loved me and he said that my parents would die if I ever told anyone.

A week after my 8th birthday party X brought two of his friends over when my parents were at work and they all had sex with me as well as other things. As this carried on more people got involved and by the time i was 8 and a half. There were 2 girls and 9 boys involved. Then a year and a half later it ended.

I'm now a 17 year old girl who has never had a relationship. I feel that I could never love anybody. The worst thing is that I have "flings" and premiscuous sex with men whom I don't know
and I'm sure that I'll never see again. I have never told anyone about my past and very few know about me now.

I always cry when I'm alone and I feel like nobody loves me. If there is one night in a week that I don't go out I want to kill myself. I have stopped eating 2 months ago and live off a small packet of baby carrots a day. I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day and my best friends are vodka and wine. My friends are all drug addicts of heroin and cocaine and although I would never touch the stuff I can see that they don't care about me. I don't know why I hang with them.

I want to get out of this life and start a new one off with someone I love and I need help. Please help me overcome my fear of relationships. I feel that I can't go on much longer. I need some advice and fast please. Thank you.
Answer 330 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear confused,
What a nasty and disturbing experience that may have been. But it is important to draw the right conclusions from it --- it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you, but it does mean that your cousin is a mean and nasty little psychopath, happy to exploit you and others. It'd be well worth steering clear of him.
If you have pals who are heroin and cocaine addicts, of course they're not friends of yours --- with habits like that, they're not even friends of themsevles. They don't care about ANYBODY, not merely you ; only about the temporary experiences of their drugs.
Such experiences of childhood abuse can affect us in different ways. Some people, as they grow up, tend to et into eating disorders, such as you are describing, as if, if they render themselves very skinny and unsightly, they might be spared the sexual attentions of others. Some get into self-destructive habits, like your diet, your vodka, and your cigarettes, as if they deserve to get punished --- for what someone else did to them. One may grow to have a very negative self-image, and low self-esteem. One may become convinced that because that selfish person ( and his pals ) abused and used you, and clearly They didn't love you, that somehow no-one will love you.
Don't be mistaken --- they didn't love you, because they are not loving people, capable of normal love, and they were intent only on their own fun. It had nothing at all to do with your own loveableness.
Perhaps the most risky potential efect of such childhood exposure to unwanted sex, is that it may lead one to devalue sex, and to a pattern such as you describe, of multiple casual, meaningless sexual flings. ANd the problem is, not only are these unsatisfying, but of course they're dangerous, in regard to HIV, STD, and simply finding oneself with strangers who may turn out to be very nasty indeed.
But all of this CAN be helped, by working sincerely and hard with a psychologist with proper training in psychotherapy, to help you work through all the issues that have arisen from the experiences, and all the wrong conclusions you have drawn from those experiences. You deserve the benefits of such counselling, to help you reach the peace and happiness that ought to be yours, and to leave the past where it belongs, in the past, while constructing a far more positive future.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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