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23 Feb 2004

Why does love hurt so much?
I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago but we have been fighting with each other for 2 months. He was the most important person in my life. But he changed so dramatcially. When we first started this fight, he started to ingore me. When I phoned he would not answer, he never phoned to talk to me or see how I am. I did not spend Christmas with me (Christmas day was also our one year engagement anniversary). He did not even get me anything for Christmas. He did not spend New Years with me. So I had to spend it with a friend. We tried to sort things out and I went home for a week. During this week, he told me that he started taking and dealing in drugs. He said that he did not want to be close to me anymore. He started crying and said that he did not have feelings for me anymore. He wanted to work things out but he also did not want to work it out either. While I was at home for that week, he never came home once. He came home at 6am, bath and then leave until the next day. We spent the enitre weekend away from me. Then I had to take off work because of depression and he never phoned to see if I was ok and he left without even checking if there was food in the house for me to eat. And when I would cry then he would tell me to shut up or I must go sleep in the lounge. If I asked him anything, then he would scream at me and would say that it won't work coz I keep on carrying on with my rubbish. I love this guy so much and he has never ever done any of the stuff above until 2 months ago. I don't understand how he could have changed after 3 years of being together. I keep thinking that I did something to make him hate me so much. I don't think I will take him back because of the hurt he has cause me but whenever I think of all the ugly things he has done to me, it makes me feel really inferior and the hurt comes back again and I can't help but crying. We have been apart for a month but the hurt is still there and it hurts like hell. I really do love this guy but I can't take being hurt again. Can you suggest any advise and maybe some councellors that I can go to so I can try and get rid of all the stuff going on in my head. He really messed up my mind and played mind games with me. I am depressed, please help me.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Confused,
If it doesn't hurt, it isn't love. let me clarify. Love itself doesn't hurt, as such. But it involves such a strong attachment to someone else, such a vulnerability, that the ending of such a relationship inevitably hurts. If ending it doesn't really hurt, then it wasn't much of a relationship. Now, one need no allow oneself to be overwhelmed by the hurt, and one can grow through the experience and become usefully stronger, especially with counselling.
But yes, do see a counsellor to work out all these confusing issues and conflicting feelings. From the sound of it, you did nothing wrong, but he has fallen in love with drugs, instead. And you absolutely do NOT need a drug addict and drug dealer as a boyfriend--- that could bring you nothing except grief.
Indeed, if he is now involved in that scene, things were most probably NOT all that perfect until a couple of months ago, but he hid the imperfections from you.
You deserve someone far, far, better than this guy, but you won't find them until you let go of this drug-pickled loser.
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