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24 Jan 2003

Why does men prefer porno to the real thing?
Hi All

I'm confused, and a very sexually frustrated woman. My husband of 11 years preferes porn and stripshows above me and my body. I have a mirror that's telling me that there is nothing wrong with my body, I like to spoil him, I love our house and garden and do all the things my mother told me that a man wants in a wife, and to top it all I enjoy it. I have a wonderful job, and take care of myself. Weekends you will find him at Teasers, as well as Wednesday's, and during the week it is porn movies and books. We have a very dull sexlife, which is very surprising, because he gets all the tips in the world from his "activities". And if I try something different in bed, he would ask what is wrong with me. He does not believe in (what my mother told me before we got married) A lady by day and a hore by night. I feel neglegted and unwanted, because he can have all that and more (what he sees in he's material) if he only let it go. And invite myself to join in his fun? Yes, done that, he just ask me to leave. Masturbation is my only "fantasy", and quite frankly I am fed-up with it after all these years. I need a man inside me, not a piece of plastic. If he knew I was satisfying myself he would explode. What is the reason for his behavior? I am going to see a shrink next week, I need to know why. Can the guys in this forum please explain what it is in porn that guys like/want so much! I want to start with babies, but I can not bring my children up with all these things going on.... and with all that...... how am I going to fall pregnant when we have sex 2 times a month?
Thanx!
Answer 1,113 views
Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

One man I asked about this said that most men who look at porno magazines or watch a movie every now and then do so because it's like a little slice of something they cannot have. He drew a parallel between men looking at porn and men looking longingly at exotic or top-of-the-line cars and trucks. "You know you can't have it, but you still like looking and fantasizing about it."

Another aspect of some men's interest in pornography stems from childhood, looking at girlie magazines is something boys are usually forbidden to do from the get-go by their parents, teachers, and society in general. "Men like to push the envelope," and "We looked at these things before we knew we had penises, but knew well enough we weren't supposed to be looking." That's where it starts for a lot of men, and they never seem to outgrow it.

Then, of course, there's the sexual arousal aspect of pornography. A lot of men (and women) are turned on by looking at nude pictures and sexually explicit movies. This doesn't mean that's the only thing that turns them on, and it may not even be in the same way that they are aroused by their partners. It's just one facet of a person's sexuality, as are fetishes and other fantasies. Perhaps you could think about exploring your own fantasy world (if you haven't already). A good place to start might be with Nancy Friday's book, My Secret Garden.

Many men don't realise that their partners would be offended and hurt by their actions. Yet, many women, like yourself, wonder what the attraction is. The answer lies somewhere in the middle, your husband's curiosity is probably just that, a curiosity , and not a reflection on how he feels about you. Your feelings are certainly valid and need to be respected. On the other hand, his feelings deserve respect, too. Maybe there's some way you could incorporate this pornography thing into your relationsh ip; of course, only if that is something that you'd like to try.

Maybe it will be a good thing I you told your husband how you feel. Have you asked him how he feels? I think you're on the right track by voicing your thoughts and feelings with your husband. The next step may be to explore this realm of his, and your, sexuality . With the help of a counsellor or therapist you might just resolve many issues

Good luck
Dr Elna Mcintosh






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