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30 Jun 2011

Wife isn''t interested in Sex
I''m a 42 Year old Male. I have a wonderful Wife and we''ve been together for about 16 Years. I have a good Sex drive and I believe that having sex 2 or 3 times a week is great. Unfortunately my wife doesn''t seem to think so. Once every 10 Days seems to suit her. It all started one Day when she suddenly blurted out: " I''m not a -|- ing Sex Machine" . Bad Day or not - it was like a Missile to my ego and I switched off immediately and no longer initiate sex. We had a Great sexlife but those comments keep reverberating in my Head and gave me the impresion she only has sex to keep me happy. This situation has been going on for about 8 Months now. I find her extremely attractive but have lost all will to initiate sex - even on the Nights when we are totally alone in the House. I constantly have this vision that most Women only have sex to keep hubby happy etc etc etc. A Sex Therapist is not an option - I WILL NOT visit one. I do however often consider cheating - and Yes - I have cheated a few Times. It keeps me happy and I feel satisfied. My Marriage is still fine and my Wife doesn''t have to view herself as a Sex Machine!!. This makes me realize why men turn to Porn and Infidelity. I still want sex with my Wife but I''m not prepared to initiate. You never know - she might not be in the mood. She has mentioned it a few times and I''ve told her straight: " I don''t expect anything from you - afterall - you aren''t a sex machine" . She might have been having a bad day when she said it - but She should have thought about that when she said it. Women can be Cruel and I cannot see how we can have a normal sex Life again without her inconsiderate comments bombarding my Brain - Any advice out there?? Im I the only man who feels this way?? I feel like an absolute psycho as those words haunt me!!
Answer 353 views
Expert
Sexologist
sexologist

01 Jan 0001

Dear Brian,

I firstly want to thank you for your candor, honesty and description of your present situation. It is not often I have men write so honestly and descriptively and I believe that many men who read your description will very definitely identify with your description and also realise that they are not alone in their experience.

You definitely are not the only man out there who feels this way. yes many men do choose other paths of sexual release and expression such as porn and engaging in sexual activity outside of their marriage be it affairs or the patronage of the sex work industry.

What I think I hear you primarily asking is with regards to how to possibly deal with your sexual relationship with your wife. As you have made it clear that a sex therapist is not an option for you I would say your next option is to trust yourself and your wife and your 16 year marriage relationship to take this on with each other.

I would suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation with your wife where you, in a non accusatory manner, describe to her the nature of your sexual needs and how you have found the differences in your sex drive a specific challenge and then how what she had said about about not being a sex machine impacted on you in how it made you feel. Also describe how it impacted on how you starting seeing the times that you did have sex as a couple as her only doing so to keep you happy. Then add how this has impacted on you then not wanting to initiate sex with her.

Include how you still find her attractive and think she is a wonderful wife and would like it to be different and better in your sexual relationship than it has been the last 8 months and you would like her to work with you on it.

Give her an opportunity to then respond and listen to her with an ear that wishes to hear her perspective. Then continue the conversation from there.
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