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20 Jan 2003

I wait too much for sex
My boyfriend is in Cape Town, I get to see him once in two months sometimes when I have money, I do it monthly, you can imagine the distance from Gauteng, that is only when I can have sex when I visit him, is this healthy? the reason for me to ask is, i alway hear people saying you need to do sex atleast once a week, should i get someone around as my sex partner, or its ok if i wait to go to my partner?
I know its a sin(adulterous) to have two people having sex with you
Answer 596 views

01 Jan 0001

At this point, it is impossible to tell whether you are a nice person or not. It's something only you can assess once you have set up some terms with your boyfriend about your relationship. Long distance relationships are always hard, even when the couple has been together for a long time, or is married. The idea of carrying on a long distance relationship and worrying about whether or not there is, or might ever be, a commitment sounds incredibly stressful.

Have you and your boyfriend discussed monogamy? Are you sure that your definition of La-La land is the same as your boyfriend's? It sounds like you are conjecturing what your boyfriend is thinking, and that it's time for you two to talk. You need to ascertain questions like: What do you each want out of your relationship? What are you each getting out of the relationship, now, in the past, and in the future? What are your needs in a relationship? Are they being met over the long distance? Can they be met over time? What are the terms to which you are both willing to agree to continue this relationship across the distance?

You have many alternatives, you can both agree to be monogamous and see what happens; you can both agree be monogamous and make a commitment to get married in two years; you can both agree to see other people and see what happens; you can agree to see other people, with the idea of making a commitment solely to each other in two years, etc. The key here is that you need to make this decision together. It will probably be a painstaking process, especially determining the details of your agreement (I have only offered a broad framework); but, if you can both spend some time exploring the questions you have about the relationship and then generating feasible solutions, you should be able to come to a compromise that you both can work with.

It helps to think of it all as a big experiment, if what you first decide to do isn't working for one, or both, of you, go back to the drawing board and redefine your terms. It's a constant process, relationships are a lot of work. If you are both willing to do that work, then your relationship has a better chance of lasting the period of separation.

Good luck
Dr Elna McIntosh

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