Ask an expert

11 Sep 2008

I&#39 m having a lesbian affair
Hi I' m really desperate for your advice. I have been with the same man for 20 years during which time I have been badly treated at the best of times. I have tried to leave before but I always end up going back. I have 16 year old daughter. I have a very dear female friend who I have developed a deep love for. She was my constant support over a period of time when my daughter suffered a life threatening illness (for which I was blamed). I don' t know what I would have done without her. Perhaps I should make mention of my man' s numerous affairs and insults regarding my body and dress. His name calling and constant criticism and addiction to porn. I recently kissed my female friend and was shocked at my own bodies response to the sensation. I have never been kissed so gently / so lovingly. 3 weeks after that we made love for the first time. An amazing bonding experience that left me feeling so alive, so loved, so beautiful. I can see myself living the rest of my life with this beautiful gentle soul, but I cannot see that this man in my life will set me free without a fight. I' m terrified that he will find out and what will happen if he does. He has a highly volatile temper and often screams at me loud enough for the neighbours to hear. When he does this his face is distorted and the spit flies and I just hate him. He breaks things around the house and is jealous and possessive of me. If I' m home late I' m questioned and accused of sleeping around. I' m not allowed to visit my friends or my family. He does exactly what he wants to when he wants to. I' m so very tired. If it was not for my daughter I would have given up on life a long time ago as I could see no better life for me. Please can you tell me if my love for a woman is as a result of all this? My sexual encounter with her has just opened the floodgates inside me and I do not want a man to ever touch me again. Do woman really choose to be gay?
Answer 4,758 views

01 Jan 0001

It sounds as if you have fallen for a person who is kind, loving and gentle, and she happens to be a woman. So I'm not sure it's as simple as 'choosing'. If you had feelings / suspicions about sexual interest in women in the past, then possibly you 'chose' to suppress those...However, it may just be that YOU fell in love with the person, regardless of their sex.

In difficult situations like that which you have described it is very difficult to resist what must feel like an oasis of calm and pleasure. However, I would recommend that given your experience now, you make some serious decisions about your relationship before continuing with this affair. Whether it is with a man or a woman, an affair distorts your sense of reality and balance, and you need to do some serious thinking. Relationships which start as affairs can work, but many have great difficulties because the relationship is conceived when you are in such a difficult emotional space, and she is being the rescuer. This dynamic may shift if you leave for her, and the relationship may not be what you expected it to be.

In summary, I would recommend that you prioritise trying to sort out your marital situation first. Either take a strong stand for things to change (and see whether that works) or end it. If you end it, then take some time to settle down and rediscover yourself which is likley to have been lost a little, and then see if this relationship could work.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
32% - 9433 votes
68% - 19971 votes