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24 Oct 2008

Partner doesnt share same sexual drive
I have the most wonderful partner in the world but i am getting increasingly frustrated as she does not have the same sex drive as me. I look at her and I am horny, each time we make love I am turned on by looking at how sexy she is and what a great lover she is, but more and more its becomming like a real big deal to have sex. She was very keen when we first got together several years ago but now she seems less and less interested but keeps claiming she is fine and that things change over years. From my side nothing has changed - I have always found her appealing and I am as horny now as I was when we first got together. Any ideas on how to fix this?
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Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

In addition to these changes (which are nobody's fault), there may be other changes (in you or her, your lives) that mean that her libido has taken even a bigger knock. It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently!

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words she needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that hers is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed. There are things you can do to show her that you understand that she feels that you see her as only being good for sex - the most obvious of which is - tell her more about the other things that you appreciate about her. Also don't go for the sexual organs (i.e. breasts, bottom, vulva) when you hold her in a non-sexual situation (e.g. first thing in bed, when she's washing up or doing something), and don't tell her how sexy she is in a non-sexual situation - tell her more about how attractive/beautiful/gorgeous she is etc rather than 'sexual descriptions'. This is not necessarily a rejection, although you are not alone in feeling this way, it's more about her own deprioritisation of sex which then means that you are requesting something which she doesn't feel able to give more of.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less (and although you might not feel like it, you will survive and you will be no less of a man for it!) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; she may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs.
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