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27 Apr 2004

semi-erections ... short lived... also pe...
Hi, here's my story:
I'm 39, healthy etc. I used to have a great sex drive and great sex, never suffered from poor erections, or any other sexual problem. I could maintain an erection for well over an hour during fourplay and have great climaxes.
Three years ago, had a four year relationship come to a very dissapointing and unhappy ending. I went on a three to six times a day masturbating spree, that lasted at least three months. I didn't seek female companionship for about a year.
During my masturbating spree I felt once that my penis didn't get as hard as previously, this happenned a few times thereafter and I lost the urge to masturbate.
Soon after I had some sexual encounters that weren't satisfying at all. I wasn't getting turned on no matter how sexy the partner or the moment, but I would still perform and please partner, even though it didn't feel right to me.
Cutting a long story short, I married earlier this year. I feel I'm letting my wife down sexualy. I seldomly get a proper erection, let me explain, my penis gets hard but only from where it sticks out of my body, the erection does not come from within, like it did before. Erection goes down as soon as there is no stimulation, such as touching etc. ... Now the new one to add to the dilema, something that I knew nothing about until very recently. I now sometimes ejaculate before I even have a full erection and so early in the game that I don't even know what to say or do. The whole situation is becoming frustrating and very uncomfortable to say the least.
A few months ago my GP suggested I try Viagra. I did, had decent erections but felt so detached from the act that I stopped the pill. He also gave me a testosterone shop that seemed to help. Anyway I'm tired and unhappy... can you help?
Answer 68,056 views

01 Jan 0001

I have to read between the lines here so to speak, but you mention you were unhappy 4 years ago, and you end your letter saying you are unhappy, so before you just consentrate on the medical aspects, what else is going on in your life?

There are a number of ways in which penises disappoint men. Almost all men have had a least a few experiences when they wanted an erection and didn't get one or when they lost an erection at some embarrassing point. Many men have problems getting or maintaining an erection at the beginning of a relationship. This may very well be your dilemma. After you become more comfortable with your partner, your erections may become more reliable. Try to view this as part of life rather than as a problem, and remember that these difficulties are common and transient. Explain to your partner that it may take you a few times to get comfortable enough for your penis to join the fun, or try putting off intercourse, and focusing on other activities (such as touching, kissing, pleasing her, etc.) until you feel more comfortable with your new partner.

On another note, lack of ejaculatory control is probably the most common male problem. The issue here is not the amount of time (or lack thereof) that it takes a man to ejaculate, but the lack of voluntary control of the ejaculation process. It's like, it happens when it happens, usually quickly and seeming to sneak up on you. This problem is more common among younger men, although some men in their thirties, forties and fifties have premature ejaculation.

While ejaculation is a reflex and can't be controlled perfectly, a man who has developed control can enjoy high levels of sexual arousal, whether from manual or oral stimulation or intercourse, without coming, and he usually has a choice about when to ejaculate. Lack of ejaculatory control manifests itself in many ways, as do the erection difficulties. Some men have very little control regardless of activity. Others are Ok with themselves, but not with a partner, as in your case. Still others, probably the largest group, are fine except for intercourse.

Some men, like you, have both problems--erections are difficult to get and ejaculations are usually quick. Since many of the exercises for developing better control require an erection, men with both problems should not attempt to work on gaining ejaculatory control until the erection problem is resolved. First things first! Now, ejaculatory problems are almost always due to a lack of knowledge, skill, or attention. Abstinence also hampers control. And, anxiety can cause a loss of control--seen in men who come quickly with new partners but regain control as they get more comfortable.

Given all this information, it seems like you probably just need more time to get to know your partner, and your patterns together. Explore sex slowly--don't plow into intercourse. Get to know what she likes, and what you like to have done to you by her. Talk to each other, during sex and in your lives. As you become more comfortable in your relationship, your sexuality will also become stronger and more fun.

If you find your problems lingering, you should check out Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality. There are ideas for exercises, getting your mind in the mood, and the words of other men who have experiences similar difficulties. Good luck, and move slow! -

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