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13 Apr 2006

Family crisis
Hi Doc

I am in a relationship with a very loving person, mother of my daughter for almost four years now. We were engaged once but I decided to break it off because she did not trust me me enough mainly because I used to go out with my friends up until the early hours of the morning, did not call and left her with the baby.

When I spoke to her she says its mainly jealousy because she does not go out she is always left with the baby and there is nobody that can look after the baby so that we can both go out or she can go out. She used to get angry when I come back.

My family also has a problem with this lady mainly because she is Xhosa (why i don't know). We have been living together before our 2 year old baby was born and i was not working then, she paid the rent, took care of our baby, made sure the is food on the table while I was finishing technikon and looking for a job.

My main problem now with her she has got this anger that she cannot control. She gets angry and does not want to talk about whatever made her angry with me or maybe she assumes that i know what wrong I did and she justs keeps quite and ignores me so I also decided not to always be the one to come to her or alsways solving so I kept to my self also for about three weeks we did not speak to each other. I went to party on the saturday and did not tell her bcz we were not on speaking terms and the party was right infront of the house and it was my friends and their girlfriends and she came to the party to find me and she ask me if I can take the baby to her mothers to sleep over because she also wants to go out with her friends but i refused, and she thought maybe I had a girfriend there so knowing her I took the car and went out of the house where the party was and hid it on the other house in the same street so she does not see me or embarrass me again. She found out that I had hid the car and she broke the windscreen of the car with anger and I call my family to come and tell her to move out(we moved out of the flat where we were renting into my grany's house) and my granny was the first person to come. She said they must move out of her house right there and then with the baby. She did not have any money nowhere to go except to her mothers flat which is a room that she is rent and not more that two people are allowed to stay there, I was angry at her for breaking the car but now when I think about what we have been through I am ashamed of myself.

She is now renting a cottage for R2500.00 a month and I come every morning to take my baby to creche but she left everything in the house no stove, no frigde and she is starinig all over again.
She is even using public transport to go to work while she was taking care of everything else in order for me to buy a car.

Everyone is telling me that I did the right thing but I know that 50% of our problems I CAUSED, she even begged to give our relationship a chance and i said I needed time to myself and I cannot trust her bcz if she can break the car next she can kill me but now I cannot live with out her even though my family does not want her I love her and i am confused.
My gran says if I go babck to her I must not ever come to her funeral and if i die she will come to take my body from her to bury me so i am very confused.

My gran never liked at first bcz she was Xhosa so whatever I choose I will never be happy. She has now asked to move on with my life bcz she has also realized that my family will never accept her BUT i KNOW SHE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER.

please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answer 385 views
Expert
CyberDoc
cyberdoc

01 Jan 0001

Dear Gav
I think you can work this out. Call FAMSA ( you'll find the number in the telephone book ) they will be able to give you both some counselling and help you and your girlfriend to understand each other better - and they are not expensive. Whatever your granny says, you do have a responsibility to help your girlfriend with looking after the baby financially and otherwise. She seems to be a sensible and hardworking girl and we are not supposed to be against someone of another race in the new South Africa! All of the best - let me know how you both are.
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