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27 Jan 2004

14 year old is having sex with a 14 year old girl with bad background
Dear Cybershrink

My 14 year old son is going out with a girl his age, but with 20x more experience than he does. She is a little whore, to put it bluntly. I caught him with her this morning, while he was supposed to be in school (i.e. he bunked school). They “made out” today, and apparently they lay on the same bed at some point. I am angry, disappointed and sad, but I cannot blame him.

He is living with his mom, as I cannot care for him in the full sense at this point. I wish I could. His mom is married to her seventh husband, (I was number 2), and she has a child with 5 of us and 4 we don’t know. She herself is quite a whore, with basically no morals and like to chat up men in the bar where she works. We do have a good relationship, though, and I never bad mouth her as I do here.

I don’t know for sure if they had sex or not, but the signs are there. After I gave him a lecture, and after he cooled off, he came to me, but his eyes were just too bright, and he just couldn’t look me in the eye. I mean, he looked like he got a million bucks! I think you know what I mean.

I don’t know what to tell my son or how to handle the situation. He promised me he won’t have sex AT ALL before he is at least 18. I mean, he doesn’t even know the facts of life properly!!! What if this girl falls pregnant??? I felt like killing both of them, and now I just feel scared and very sore.

This girl is 14 as he is, and she had sex with every despicable human being in this town. She had sex from age 11 onwards. I don’t know if she has any STD’s, but chances are quite good. Francois (my son) claims that this girl has turned a new page over, but as I know from life, one tend to turn that page, only to leave a bookmark at the previous page just to glimpse back, and that’s what worries me!

I can trust my son, I know I can, but I cannot trust that girl. This is not only a dad speaking here, this is an expierenced man – because I was in that exact same position many years ago. I know that my son has the best of intentions, but I also KNOW beyond a doubt that that girl is a no-good. So young and already sexually active? It makes me sick. I KNOW beyond a doubt that she does not have the pure intentions my son has! OK, I admit I am overprotective in the worst sense! Sorry, but I love my son more than life itself!

I cannot reason with him about the event. He gets very upset, and I can understand it. I made him a deal that I will make a point of it to get to know this girl better, and I hope that she is what he claims she is, although I doubt it. She tried the exact same story with many more men (not boys) in the past.

How can I teach him to make sure about true feelings before he gets his pants down. How do I explain to him that he is too young for a sexual relationship?? I mean, he met the girl yesterday evening, and she already got him to bunk school on their first day! How can he be so sure about love? He doesn’t have a cooking idea what it’s all about! He is supposed to be playing with his boy tjommies and have a girl on the sideline, not shagging her on the first bloody date!!? He and she can get into SERIOUS legal trouble with this thing, if I’m not wrong, I’m talking statutory rape, or what??

OK, Saturday we will have a man-to-man talk about this. We will HAVE to discuss the birds and the bees among others AGAIN. I will let it simmer for now, and Friday I will take them to a Christian youth club in town to hang out, and there I’ll get the chance to meet and chat with the girl.

I just don’t know how to handle this thing. How do I explain to him that sex at his age is not a good idea, and not because I am trying to be spiteful? Have any clues? Sorry, I don’t know your viewpoint on this! How do I tell him that his girl might not be the best choice? How can I explain to him that I love him (he hates it if I say it) and that I’m concearned about him?
How do I explain to him in a kind matter that his mom is not the best example to follow? I never married again after our divorce. Should I be very harsh on him? Where should we start to look for examples??

Thank you for your valued time.

Answer 506 views

01 Jan 0001

Dad, at 14, I don't think it's the girl's bad background that is the problem. And in the age of HIV/AIDS, some pages can't be turned over " does he understand that from the point of view of the virus, when he has sex with her, he is also having sex with everyone else she ever had sex with ? Does he understand the risk of HIV/AIDS and other STD, and that this can be lethal ? There is no value in being very harsh towards him, though he needs to know that life itself can be very harsh in these situations, and that you care enough to want him NOT to meet life at its harshest.
I think one has to try to keep a reasonably level head here. I don't think one should just give up, consider the under-age sex to be inevitable and uncontrollable ( after all, SOME of us managed to get beyond 14 ! ). On the other hand, raging and coming down on him too heavily will, as some readers have said, have a high risk of driving hi further away from you, and more out of reach. OK, you plan to have the birds-and-bees discussion ; presumably the boys and girls one, as kids don't see the relevance of birds or bees. Yes, it's not easy to explain why there are so many reasons for it to be a bad idea to start an active sex-life at 14 --- it's like trying to tell a kid who has just discovered computer games, that he shouldn't play before he's 21. However, he needs to know of the very real and serious risks involved ; and that one of the reasons caring adults are bothered, is because he's young and inexperienced about such skills as being able to assess the girl, for instance, and whether she's really as changed as she says she is, or to assess the risks and problems that could arise. Does he realize, not just how contraception works, but that it's imperfect ? Has he thought of how he would cope if she got pregnant ? has he thought that though she might be the first girl who has shown this sort of interest in him, there could be far nicer girls he would meet before long, bringing less problems and risks along with them, but who wouldn't be impressed to learn of his earlier exploits. And so on --- one could keep the discussion on realistic and factual lines for much of the time. But you need to talk about love as well as sex, an that, though he probably does feel strongly about and for this girl, one's capacity for love that can be far deeper and more satisfying than anything he's felt yet, developes as one gets a bit older than he is now, and that plunging into this more adult form of relatonship now may actually slow down his development towards more complex and significant relatonships later.

It sounds as if there are background problems here, as there often are. His mother doesn't sound like an excellent example of continence and forward planning. And as Nina says, the blame doesn't lie fully with the girl, as your son has presumably been a willing participant throughout.
You can't prevent him from having sex if he insists on doing so behind your back, but you can at least make sure that he understands why it's a bad idea ( and that you're not just being a spoilsport ) ; that he understands the risks involved, and at least takes all the precautions he can. He needs to understand, too, that trnating from school is a really bad idea on its own ( without educatonal qualifications, he'd be such a loser that girls would soon lose interest in him ) ; and that it isn't necessary, whatever his relationship with this girl might be.
And have you discussed this with your Ex, his mother ? She may not have been the best of examples to him, but she may not know about this, and may not approve of it, either. She's likely to find out if she doesn't already know, and a cooerinated approach between the two of you is likely to be more effective and helpful than if you're both talking at cross purposes.

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