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23 Jun 2010

29 yrs of guilt and sex
29 years ago my first love died in the army. He was the first one to have sex with and he taught me to smoke. The day of his funeral, I got drunk and had sex with his best friend. And from there my life was in a spiral. The guilt I felt for getting drunk and having sex with his best friend is still haunting me today because I promised him before we had sex that I wouldn’ t do it with anybody else. Oh I sex with a few guys since that day. 4.5 years later I was raped by a friend of a friend at knife point, oh crap did my life get worse. With all the guilt I was carrying around with me, this had to happen and it made me feel dirty and HATED myself. I pretended I was the perfect woman yet, I hid it a well that I had sex with who ever wanted it. I really didn’ t give a crap. I was in orgy’ s, I had bottles shoved up my virgina, I was involved with a married man, I experimented with sex and guys and woman. I would pick up guys in pubs, even shops. Would have a quickie in the public toilet. I hated who I was, I hated the shame, I hated the guilt. I didn’ t know who I was. I didn’ t go for professional help because I could deal with it myself. I couldn’ t then and I can’ t now. I hate who I am. I have an eleven year old girl, I want to talk to her about sex but I struggle, what if I say the wrong things? When I have relationships, I keep looking for my first love in the men. I know I am stupid thinking like this, but I tell you it is the guilt and I have no idea how to get rid of it. The men I date are crap, they either have mental or drug / alcohol problems. When I do meet the one decent guy, I screw it up because I think he is only after sex and will leave me so I mess it up. I break up after about 3 months into the relationship no matter how good the relationship is because I am scared he will leave me, the way my first love has left me. I do need professional help, you will tell me. I don’ t have the money or time, that is why I am asking you here to help me to let go of the past. I tried religion, it didn’ t help. I tried the holistic healing way, it didn’ t help. I am now again doing it myself, and with your help I hope I can let go of the past. I have to let go for my sanity. I have to give up smoking for health issues, yet I can’ t because it was my first love that taught me to smoke. It will be like giving up a part of him. Again I say you think this is crap!! I go on the internet dating sites, desperate to get a man, all I pick up is guys wanting to talk about sex. I have now deleted all my profiles and cut myself off of this way of having a social life. I don’ t have social life or any friends. I tell my daughter we are going to do something together, but when comes to the push I chicken out, I love people but not in public places. I have no self confidence and my self esteem goes for a loop. When I am at work I get on so well with my colloquies, we laugh and joke, when we go as a company to a restaurant I pull back and would not socialise with anybody. I would rather stay home and do something there. I seem to resent having my daughter around me lately as well, I am scared she picks up the bad vibes from my cell phone communications with strange men. I want to find somebody so desperately to love that I am pushing my daughter away. I am a strong and successful woman, with this dark past that is haunting me. I have to let go of the past and I don’ t know how. I have to life in the present and I don’ t know how, the past seems more saver as I have been there already. I love sex, and I talk openly about sex with my male colloquies, what they think about me on that, I have no idea. I do tell them that I am “ meer bek as binne goed”  but somewhere deep inside me I would have sex with the directors if that means I will get increase or something. See what a shitty person I am. I have a mental issue and need you to solve it for me. Please don’ t tell me to go for professional help, as mentioned I need to get advice and a solution here. My deepest desire to find my soul mate, the perfect honest man for me, and live the happily ever after story. I want to be a good wife, mother and housewife, I want to be normal. But somehow I know I will be a single mother for the rest of my life because of who and what I was in the past, I won’ t have my future if I don’ t work on it now in the present. I lost God along the way. I want to pray but somehow it doesn’ t feel right for him to help somebody like me. He has given me many blessings yet I keep screwing up. I can’ t let my daughter have the same life as I did. Thank you for your time in reading this long crappy issue. I hope you will help me here and now. Thanks
Answer 968 views

01 Jan 0001

Sorry to hear about all this. Sad how life sometimes manages to line up a series of experiences so well designed to upset us and mess us up. Its actually quite common that these forms of sxual guilt and self-hate lead some folks into a pattern of self-punishing promiscuity. You are fortunate not to have experienced more damage including physical harm, which was obviously a very possible outcome.
You have actually stated the necessary solution - professional help from an experienced therapist who can help you work through all this murky stuff and set yourself free from it. Can you affird NOT to get such help ? You HAVE to make the time for it ( how much time and money is wasted on all the bad habits arising from not dealing with these problems ? ) Check out what might be available through the dept of psychiatry or psychology at your nearest medical school or university.
You know smoking is bad for you, and your first love would surely be horified to think you would even think of continuing this self-damaging habit in memory of him. Copying one of his errors is no way to remember him kindly.
And it sounds as though you continue to punish yourself by relationships with unsuitable men which are certain to bring you to further grief.
And thouh you are asking for miraculous intervention here, you KNOW that though there are solutions to be found, they will take time and hard work on your side and a good therapist, and could not be provided in this on-line format. You know that you are asking for an impossible quick fix, maybe in part as a way of avoiding the hard work and self-seaching necessary as part of finding a lasting solution.
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